Finally, I'm putting it into words.

I remember I used to have a reason for this hatred. I could exactly pinpoint to you the mistakes this particular person made, to evoke my strong distaste. However, I've to say, as the entire issue drags on, I feel like I'm just hating for the sake of hating. It's a feeling I've grown accustomed to, I cannot tell myself to feel otherwise. I used to lapse between the feeling of love and hatred, when there was still a reason for me to hate, but currently, I just dislike talking to this person, seeing this person, and I can speak less than 10 lines for the entire day when together with this person.

This person never understood why. And I never bothered to clear it up. He/she just thinks that I've an attitude problem, and refuses to talk to him/her, but I think that in actual fact, it is he/she that has a moral issue. I can't bring myself to confront this person, and I always act as if I don't mind those immoral acts at all, but as it drags on, I realise that the more I put a smile on to my face to pretend all is fine, the more it eats into me, and the more irrational distaste develops, till an irreversible state.

I realise, throughout this entire experience, that hating is a self-defeating act. When I evidently show that I hate this person, I soon realise that I have no idea why that hatred feeling is so strong, and I try to convince myself to see things from this person's point of view, and it is precisely this internal struggle that is derived from the hatred that sets me oscillating front and back, eating into me, making me feel that I'm soon going to lose my sanity, doing things that I absolutely do not wish to do. On the other hand, when I pretend to like this person, the incongruity between the outward and inward exhibition of feelings once again causes me to feel really terrible, and the more I smile about it, the more the devil inside me makes me realise how I hate that person, causing an even stronger distaste to develop. So in any case, this feeling is self-defeating and causing me to break down.

Realising the circumstances, any sane person would try not to hate anymore. And believe me, I tried. And that is when my first realisation developed - that I no longer understand why I dislike this person anymore. And in such a case, I cannot bring myself to understand myself nor him/her, and I can never extricate myself from this intense hatred. It's easy for me to just blame this person for his/her initial wrong-doing that sets me into this entire breaking down and terrible feeling, but I guess I also need to ask myself which direction I'm going to take from now on. I know now, after 18 years of living, that hatred makes one feel like a living corpse, and I really don't understand how others hate. I wish to go back to my peace-loving self, or I wish to just be someone that is known to be unreasonable, then I can just exhibit my love or hatred openly. But these just aren't options. I don't wish to blame that party anymore, and I don't wish to hate anymore, but these just don't appear to be possibilities of the near future.

Finally, I'm putting it into words.

I remember I used to have a reason for this hatred. I could exactly pinpoint to you the mistakes this particular person made, to evoke my strong distaste. However, I've to say, as the entire issue drags on, I feel like I'm just hating for the sake of hating. It's a feeling I've grown accustomed to, I cannot tell myself to feel otherwise. I used to lapse between the feeling of love and hatred, when there was still a reason for me to hate, but currently, I just dislike talking to this person, seeing this person, and I can speak less than 10 lines for the entire day when together with this person.

This person never understood why. And I never bothered to clear it up. He/she just thinks that I've an attitude problem, and refuses to talk to him/her, but I think that in actual fact, it is he/she that has a moral issue. I can't bring myself to confront this person, and I always act as if I don't mind those immoral acts at all, but as it drags on, I realise that the more I put a smile on to my face to pretend all is fine, the more it eats into me, and the more irrational distaste develops, till an irreversible state.

I realise, throughout this entire experience, that hating is a self-defeating act. When I evidently show that I hate this person, I soon realise that I have no idea why that hatred feeling is so strong, and I try to convince myself to see things from this person's point of view, and it is precisely this internal struggle that is derived from the hatred that sets me oscillating front and back, eating into me, making me feel that I'm soon going to lose my sanity, doing things that I absolutely do not wish to do. On the other hand, when I pretend to like this person, the incongruity between the outward and inward exhibition of feelings once again causes me to feel really terrible, and the more I smile about it, the more the devil inside me makes me realise how I hate that person, causing an even stronger distaste to develop. So in any case, this feeling is self-defeating and causing me to break down.

Realising the circumstances, any sane person would try not to hate anymore. And believe me, I tried. And that is when my first realisation developed - that I no longer understand why I dislike this person anymore. And in such a case, I cannot bring myself to understand myself nor him/her, and I can never extricate myself from this intense hatred. It's easy for me to just blame this person for his/her initial wrong-doing that sets me into this entire breaking down and terrible feeling, but I guess I also need to ask myself which direction I'm going to take from now on. I know now, after 18 years of living, that hatred makes one feel like a living corpse, and I really don't understand how others hate. I wish to go back to my peace-loving self, or I wish to just be someone that is known to be unreasonable, then I can just exhibit my love or hatred openly. But these just aren't options. I don't wish to blame that party anymore, and I don't wish to hate anymore, but these just don't appear to be possibilities of the near future.