The Fictional Realm

2010-05-21T01:28:00.002+08:00

& my greatest fault was to have believed in you and fallen for you.

I know it's time to give up.

I'm sorry for wasting your efforts convincing me to do so.

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習慣 by 杨丞琳

dedicated to gnth:

分手已经两年半
我们再度向寂寞取暖
没有牵挂和不安
失去彼此的陪伴
我们学着将回忆剪断
拒绝想念的试探
曾经以为总会找到
说服自己的答案
情绪却在风浪平息后
被一通电话打翻
我已经渐渐习惯
忙碌把生活填满
和自己分享晚餐
试着活得更理所当然
对感情顺其自然
只是我还不明白
失去你的天空
为何看来不那么蔚蓝
hu oh……
相爱到了解的默契
怎能说忘记就忘记
我想我已经习惯你aha…

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And this is probably going to be the last post dedicated to you.Oh wells.

2010-05-02T22:00:00.002+08:00

Freaking tired now.

But I've been wanting to post this since ages ago,

So i'll just do it.

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只想爱你 by 杨丞琳

dedicated to gnth:

我终于还是说了一句我爱你
还记得那个微凉夜里天空正飘着小雨
心跳的声音像舞动奇迹
你看着我说千万不要爱上你
因为你只会让我伤心别傻了快点喊停
你那么冷静忽远又忽近
我知道我对你来说也许太年轻
我想我猜我问我终于了解
原来为爱流的眼泪也是种甜蜜滋味
只想爱你当我和你走在一起就已经决定
不看不听不问也不会放弃
是你让我了解自己可以为爱那么坚定
只想爱你好想每天睁开眼睛就能看到你
我知道我偶尔有一点任性
不管你做任何决定究竟爱我还是逃避
sorry我还是不会放弃爱你
sorry我还是不会放弃
我还是不会放弃爱你

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I'm not entirely sure if I still mean it.Cause i'm too tired now to consider.Very much wish that all I did will pay off.But at the same time, I know I did kind of given up hope.
So whatever goes man.We'll see.We probably wouldn't see one another for long anymore anyway.Hopefully we'll still be friends after that then.

2010-04-29T00:27:00.002+08:00

Truthfully, I regret whatever I did.

But I can't put down my dignity just yet.

Actually, if i know things will turn right if I put my dignity down,

I'll do it.

But the thing is...I don't even know what you want.

I can't bring myself to message/call you anymore.

Just wishing you all the best from afar.

And I can only say this much because I know you'll never ever see this.

Oh wells.

I miss you.

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Prisoner of Memories

dedicated to gnth and yujun:

The scent of the flowers once so sweet

Plunges at the widow once married

The days and the dates they once met

Becomes scarred memories once buried

The outsiders don't understand her pain

They don't know the fatality of his death

They heard not of flowers that taint her name

They are unaware of the charm he's haveth

Memories runs murderously through her mind

She wished that these memories didn't occur last time

But she knew they did and she can't turn back time

She would forever be the prisoner of her memories.

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You'll never ever forget her,Learn to let go.Learn to let go.

2010-04-25T20:31:00.002+08:00

&i guess the heart hardens itself again,

But nothing really hurts much anymore.

Because you're just so used to it.

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暧昧 by 杨丞琳

dedicated to gnth:

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气
暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽

暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
不能用恨你却不住结局
放遗憾的美丽
停在这里
暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

只能陪你到这里
毕竟有些事不可以
超过了友情还不到爱情
远方就要下雨的风景

到底该不该哭泣
想太多是我还想你
我很不服气
也开始怀疑
眼前的人是不是同一个真实的你

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气
暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽
停在这里

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气
暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽
停在这里

到底该不该哭泣
想太多是我还想你
我很不服气
也开始怀疑
眼前的人是不是同一个真实的你

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气
暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽
停在这里

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Well...thank you for all that.And till next time then.

2010-04-14T23:37:00.003+08:00

&you'll never ever see this.

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Unfaithful by Rihanna

dedicated to you:

Story of my life, searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man and this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Every time I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside

I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be a murderer

I feel it in the air as I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss up on my cheek, he's here reluctantly
As if I'm gonna be out late

I say I won't be long just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Every time I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside

I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be a murderer

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun
And put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore, anymore

And I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And every time I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside

And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be a murderer
A murderer, no no no
Yeah

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I don't really know if this is for you or for me anymore.I don't even know why I'm allowing myself to sink into this crap.I'm telling you that part of me has this urge to tell you to stop all these rubbish now.
But you'll never know.Sigh.

2010-03-26T00:23:00.002+08:00

Realised that I haven't seen my brother in quite a while.

I guess this whole place is really falling apart.

And the glue which used to stick everything together no longer sticks.

I don't know why I'm doing all these,

But I guess I really don't have much of a choice.

Think I'll ask didi out one day.

Realised I haven't asked him out before.

So much for going out almost everyday. Ohwells.

All's gone.

You included.

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White Horse by Taylor Swift

dedicated to the non-existent fairytale:

Say you're sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known
I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings, now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell

This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late to catch me now

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I should wake up.

2010-03-24T23:43:00.002+08:00

Didn't think I'll blog.

But I guess I'm too overwhelmed with emotions to not do so.

Wish that hx will pick up her phone the next time I call,

So that I've at least someone to talk to.

Anyway, here's a goodbye to someone who's officially leaving my life today.

And I sincerely hope that that person will never see this or know that I'm referring to him/her.

Well, great (and not that great now) to have you in my life.

Now you see why I hate being emotionally attached to people.

Oh wells.

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舍不得 by 迷路兵

dedicated to the two of you:

我沒有說你沒有問
就這樣関上了心門
愛有多真情有多深
只能在心底扎根
擁抱的餘溫回憶的氣氛
還在你吻裏沸騰
曾經的單純拼湊的幸福
一切那麽冰卻囘不了神
捨不得讓你承受更多傷痕
所以選擇單方面的殘忍
雖然我還未確定
放棄會不會快樂
一個人的未來該怎麽闖
捨不得聽見你的哭泣聲
所以選擇背對你的眼神
讓愛的人快樂
是一種責任
就算分開比我想象的要疼

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And once again, I just have to say I'm sorry.I guess I really did what I could today.To clear up this entire mess.Sigh.I'm sorry.

2010-03-20T05:47:00.003+08:00

Just sent hx out of my house for her to go home.

Went kbox with 4 pretty pretty ladies

And though it was kinda emo near the end

It was nonetheless a fun trip and I want more to come.

Triplets+twins yeah :D :D

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不想长大 by S.H.E.

dedicated to all of you:

为什么就是找不到无邪的玫瑰花
为什么遇见的王子都不够王子啊
我并不期盼他会有玻璃鞋和白马
我惊讶的是情话竟然会变成谎话

为什么幸福的青鸟要飞的那么高
为什么苹果和拥抱都可能是毒药
我从没想过有了他还孤单的可怕
我突然想起从前陪我那个洋娃娃

我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有童话
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远又笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
已经变的不像他

我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有童话
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
怎么会爱上别个他

为什么水晶球里面看不出他在变
为什么结局没欢笑而是泪流满面
我愿意在他回来前继续安静沉睡
但他已去到别座城堡吻另一双嘴

为什么对流星许愿却从来没实现
为什么英勇的骑士会比龙还危险
我当然知道这世界不会完美无暇
我只求爱情能够不要那么样复杂

我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有童话
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远都笨又傻
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
怎么会爱上别个他

让我们回去从前好不好
天真愚蠢快乐美好
我不想我不想不想长大
长大后世界就没有童话
我不想我不想不想长大
我宁愿永远都笨又傻

我不想我不想不想长大
长大后我就会失去他
我深爱的他深爱我的他
怎么会爱上别个他

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Well, I guess this issue has dragged long enough.Though I always seem not to bother about these till things turn sour,I guess experience told me to do something about it before I lose all of them as friends.
I don't know.I guess I've always been selfish.I guess I've always been afraid of being alone.And that void has always been filled up by many poor souls out there.And I'm terribly sorry for always neglecting all of you.I guess it's time I should grow up and wake up.There's no more selfishness in this issue,And I have to face my problems myself,And no longer use any of them as any shield.And that includes anticipating the loss of a friendship,And a loss of a listening ear and good friend,But I guess, it's time to know that you should be responsible for your life,And no matter how hard it is to bear the pain,It's better to suffer alone than together.
Besides, I do know that I wouldn't make a good girlfriend.

2010-03-16T00:31:00.003+08:00

Haven't felt this way for a really long time.

I guess, ever since I entered GV,

Everyday was a party day, like the casino days of percy and his friends.

I kept feeding on the lotus biscuits, and remained high and happy,

And I haven't really been thinking, or wondering what to do.

Life has been great, yes, but I guess sometimes we do have to wake up.

And face the reality, brutal, but still, reality.

Yesterday was the breakpoint.

Somehow, I really don't know how things work anymore.

I know that I shouldn't be doing certain things,

Yet I can't help myself.

I need the father's voice like percy do, to tell me what to do.

I miss my dad, really.

Oh wells.

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替我爱你 by 陈迪雅

dedicated to all of you:

风轻轻反动回忆的背景
那想念像天空一样安静

数不清多少次曾下过决心
绝总是被你轻易地喊停

爱情里我们分两条路前行
再努力都无法和幸福跟进

以为时间会删除有你的剧情
它却只是见到路人的背影

让他替我爱你是我唯一能给的关心
虽然重头到尾都没有真正拥有过你的身影

让他替我爱你是我唯一爱你的途径
我会告诉自己爱是为了让对方开心

祝福我会给得很小心
就像一开始就没让你察觉我的爱情

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And of course, this is just another thing that is bugging me again.I'm sorry all of you, because I'm really not a nice girl.Just let me go, and you'll be happier.I don't want to play this anymore and I don't want to be the bad person.Sigh. When would these all end?When can I finally settle down?
When I saw him laugh and smile that day,I realised...everything's better of this way.

2010-03-07T11:19:00.003+08:00

A blog post, in many many many days/weeks/months.

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A Different Life

dedicated to whoever-that-is-involved:

So, I've decided to finally blog again. It's only recently that I realised that my last post was way before Serve begins, and now Serve has ended. That just proves how busy I've been these last few months. But well, Serve has ended, I'm free now, and I don't feel like applying for any universities or scholarships yet (and I know I'll regret it as the deadline draws near), so I'm going to blog again. And for the sake of many who complain my post is too long, I shall split it into 2 important parts alright - Serve and Golden Village work.

And much as I want to begin with Golden Village, I shall start with Serve. Well, so the 2 months of bonding between ServerYucks/YucksKnights has ended, and I would just like to thank Esther, Stephanie, Phoebe, Shaylen, Ryan, Markus, Judah, Joel, Joshua, Mark, Brandon, Ming Kiat, Benedict, Isaac, Brian, and definitely Nicholas for the wonderful time we had during this Serve, especially during the mission trip. The trip to Thailand was not like any other trip that I've been before, and it certainly turned out way better than I've envisioned it to be. Somehow, over there, I just felt the spiritual renewal within me, though we were supposed to help evangelise there, it seems like we have taken back more than what we could have given them. So, the hospitable Thais treated us really well, and till now, there's still this tingling sensation that I wish I am still in Thailand with them. Till this point, I think words can't really express the awe that I've felt while I was there so I shall just stop right here, and hopefully say God bless to the people in Thailand, that those who know Christ would continue being blessed by Him and that those innocent ones who don't would hopefully come to know Him. God bless (:

So with that, I shall move on to life at Golden Village. Well, it has been a long time since I've posted about Golden Village, but well, it is still as great as ever. Somehow what Xinyan had written on her blog about work being addictive is true, and I was just discussing with Huixiang a few weeks back how weird that is. Well, to be honest, the pay there isn't exactly good, or even normal, and the workload isn't very little or whatsoever, but somehow the friendships bridged there made the life there much more interesting than ever. Though I always appear not to care, and asked everyone to shut up or go away, I just have to say that I sincerely treasure the relationships there - be it close or not. Recently, I have this feeling that I love Golden Village so much that I'm appearing too much on the compound and everyone's like commenting "this is your house ah" or "why do you all always come here?!", and these comments come so much that I don't really feel like I'm going to go there as often anymore. But we shall see about that. Anyway, lots of interpersonal things had happened since I arrived, especially during the week when I left for Thailand, but I'm glad that most of the things have been or would be resolved soon. It is only recently that I realised how attached I've grown to them (though I really didn't want that to happen because I hate the feeling of needing to part) and how I would be upset as they leave one by one. Whatever it is, I would like to thank the special triplets - Huixiang and Xiaoting - as well as our Laojie Ryan for being part of my life in Golden Village and how everything has just simply brightened up because of you three. (: To be honest, I think I've never bared my heart out so simply and so directly in front of others before, so you guys are the first and possibly the last (: And here's a special note to you THREE that I would still like to trust you guys and tell you all all my deepest darkest secrets, so be there for me okay! :D

And that was supposingly the end, but I just decided to add this one-liner before I end this post: Relationships are still as complicating as ever, if you get my drift haha. Till next time then. Sigh. Lol.

2010-01-12T19:55:00.006+08:00

[Add on: New blogskin for a new phase of life. Got tired of the previous one. Decided to expose my tagboard but don't abuse it. And, don't bother clicking on any of the navigations cause I removed everything. If you know me, you do, else, you shouldn't be here.]

Proper post. Like finally.

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Life After As

dedicated to whoever-that-is-involved:

Well, I just decided to post a proper post, before I really lose my ability to journal. These few days/weeks have been significant enough such that they are worth a post as well. Since I started this blog, I think I have been talking in riddles so much, people get frustrated reading it, and I gradually lose my ability to write as well. But, sometimes I think it's necessary to write in riddles, and those reading would probably understand it when I say...sometimes some things you want to say it so desperately, but you know you can't, whereas other times, you find it pointless to say those things you can. And that's more than enough justification for me, because I never liked to justify my actions, like it or not, you just have to deal with it.

So, back to the main point. Life after As have been significantly different from life before As, like obviously. I think no matter how I want to lie to myself, I have gotten enough of my so-called "well-deserved break" and so life continues. I have been partying, going out, going overseas, camping, etc since the end of As till 2010 begins. While it is true that I haven't had a proper break for the past 4 years of my life, and no holidays for that matter, I feel relieved that I have woken myself up in time to stop rotting my life away and start doing something. So, yes, partying has been infinite fun, till you get bored of both going out and staying at home, then you know that perhaps it is time to do something.

And then the age old question of what is that "something" you should do comes. Here, I would just like to say that the idea of work is hard to find is actually quite a myth and that begins my first trouble. You see, because I am one of the later ones to commence in looking for a job, I sought the advice of all my friends who has gotten a job to search more actively for a job and in the end, by some miracle, I have gotten so much jobs that I don't know how to reject people. The interesting thing is no companies actually rejected me thus far, and it's hard for me to say no when I'm the one who applied, and so I racked my brains so hard to find a solution to all these, but whatever it is, I've like 2 job offers on hand now, and we'll see what to do about it. Afterall, I think it's God's plans for me to have these jobs, if not they wouldn't "come running at me" as how Chongwai puts it. So thank you, God (:

In any case, I have no idea whether I am allowed to publicise what job I am currently taking up, due to the content that I am about to publish, so ask me personally if you still don't know. In any case, this particular job has been rather eye-opening for me. While it is true that I have always been slightly proud of the fact that I've been working since primary 5 and supporting myself financially since IP, this job is just slightly different, probably because I was too young in the past to notice and thereafter, tutoring is seriously easy money.

Whatever it is, the work environment at where I am is seriously the only reason that's pulling me back. Actually, I've been hearing the "why are you here?!" question for so many times these three days, I started wondering what I am doing there. Having $4 an hour for all the physical work is seriously not quite worth it. My colleagues suggested me to go back to tutoring or finding administrative jobs to do (and it's not all that hard since I rejected a $6.50 administrative job earlier) and that really makes me wonder why I am still there. Well, I know that initially I was kind of forced into it, but after I started it, there's just this lure there - the feeling of being really alive and living perhaps.

Well, to begin with, I am like the peculiar one that is working there. Everyone else is either from poly/secondary school and I feel really sheltered when I'm there. It's not that they are leading lives that are a lot worse-off or whatsoever, but somehow, I feel that I lost the connection I once had with them. Honestly, with my background, I didn't feel like I belong to such an elite school I am in, and I always felt that I could connect more with the non-elite gang, but somehow, I think these four years changed things a little. I still enjoy being with my colleagues at where I am working, and I can still understand their language and all, but somehow I am just not like them. Like how Jasmine commented when I returned to Nan Hua after VIP, I have indeed quietened down too much and tamed down too much. I am not like them - carefree, happy, loud, fun, rule-breaking.

I remember myself like that last time, but I guess things have changed, for the better or worse I don't know, but things have indeed changed. Now, to my colleagues, I am the smart and guai kid, who studies in JC and doesn't smoke. Well, in any case, everyone thought I was collecting my O level results and I have to repeat myself so many times that I'm waiting for A levels results instead, because I am the only JC-er there. It's kind of saddening to hear them say that JC-ers should be doing administrative work and getting higher pay, but somehow I think I just have to accept it as part of reality, like how I did last time. It reminds me a lot of "the outsiders" once again. I was a greaser, till I abandoned it and became a soc perhaps. Anyway, it's rather interesting working there, in that kind of environment and it feels like how it did last time, only that I've changed. Still, I like my colleagues and I like working with them, and I guess, that's the thing that's really preventing me from quitting now, just that I wouldn't tell them. You really feel alive when you're not at the top all the time, and I know that half the people who read this wouldn't understand what I'm talking about, but I guess you'll know one day.

So that's the good parts of working, the slightly more interesting parts. And like all other things, there's always the good and the bad. This work that I've been doing has been nothing less than physically taxing. I was so worn out for the first two days, I really enjoyed my off day on Monday. It was tiring till a point, I cannot be bothered to complain about it to anyone at all. So I guess I haven't been telling anyone detailedly what I've been doing there. Well, I don't know how to describe all the standard operating protocols to you all as well, but basically, it's just a lot of running up and down to check that everything is still working fine, a lot of cleaning up and tidying and picking up trash and a lot of ushering and greeting customers. But in any case, today's fine, probably because I am no longer a trainee and so they divide the work equally and stop making me do all the rubbish. Still, the work is getting a little boring and tiring, other than the hiccups once in a while that sets everyone in "emergency" mode, trying to think of a solution. What I realised today is that hiccups occur quite frequently in reality, not like the cushioned events we have been planning, and how you really have to deal with them is to just stay calm and wriggle a way out. Another thing that I realised today is that it is really quite heartening when people there appreciate your service. It lightens your load a lot. I never really thought about it till two separate customers called me by my name today and thanked me. It's quite fulfilling, especially when you think that your job is not recognised, in any aspect, be it pay, customers, or colleagues. So, you who are reading the post now, do extend your appreciation to those around you whenever possible alright! (:

Well, that's about all that I have to comment about my new job. The reason that I am actually posting it now is because I would be switched from floor to box from Thursdays onwards, and I don't know what to expect. I have been wanting to be switched there all the while, like everyone else, but I guess I have resigned to the fate of being stuck at floor after seeing so many trainees before me being stuck, and suddenly when the chance comes, I don't know how to feel. And in fact, I am a bit apprehensive about the idea of dealing with money, since I have so little pay to pay for all the money that I'd lose :/ Oh wells. We'll have to see how it goes. The job has been fulfilling so far (though I'm sure if the reader here would understand), and I'm sure it has more to offer, so for now, yes, I'm sticking on to my job, despite all the advice to switch. In any case, I'm going to take up Serve from Monday onwards, if that information makes any difference in your life. So yes, I'll be busy from next week on, gving and serving. :/

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I want to feel alive again.

2010-01-11T19:00:00.003+08:00

Cheer up.

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Cold Cold Heart by Hank Williams

dedicated to you (but you'll never know):

I tried so hard my dear to show that you’re my every dream.
Yet you’re afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme
A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue
And so my heart is paying now for things I didn’t do
In anger unkind words are said that make the teardrops start
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind,and melt your cold cold heart

You’ll never know how much it hurts to see you sat and cry
You know you need and want my love yet you’re afraid to try
Why do you run and hide from lies,to try it just ain’t smart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

There was a time when I believed that you belonged to me
But now I know your heart is shackled to a memory
The more I learn to care for you,the more we drift apart
Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

____________________________________________________________________________________________________
If only, you're half as warm as bob.I know you need some love too.Why can't you just open up your heart?
You're probably the only one I can't touch.

2010-01-10T21:00:00.002+08:00

Life after A levels made me realise quite a bit.

Though I feel like I'm beyond the stage of complaining.

Maybe I'll post about it soon.

When I'm more awake.

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Growing Up

dedicated to yueqi and yujun:

We are all growing up.
Into gentlemen, into ladies,
Entering the age of doubt.

We are no longer innocent.
We forgot our childish ways,
Simple ideas, we have to learn.

We become occupied,
With work and with friends,
With things that have us tied.

We forgot the things that matter,
Love, hope, faith are forgotten,
They are left for the later.

And in our hurry through the ages,
We forgot that there is no later,
We are trapped in those cages.

And when we sit back and think,
Perhaps it's time we realise
All those times will never be revived again.

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May we not forget one another as time passes.

2010-01-05T23:22:00.006+08:00

Wow, 102th post.

And indeed, a lot has changed.

Decided to accept a lot more facts as facts.

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You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift

dedicated to you:

You're on the phone with your girlfriend
She's upset.
She's going off about something that you said
'Cuz she doesn't get your humor like I do...
I'm in the room
It's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
And she'll never know your story like I do'

But she wears short skirts
I wear T-shirts
She's cheer captain
And I'm in the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
And find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me

Walk in the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey isn't this easy

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say your fine
I know you better then that
Hey whatcha doing with a girl like that

She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
And find that what what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know
Baby...
You belong with me
You belong with me

Oh'
I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're about to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong
I think I know it's with me...

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time
How could you not know
Baby you belong with me
You belong with me

You belong with me
Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with

You belong with me...

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I think I know the answer.Your eyes weren't/aren't on me at all.I'm just another "she" to you.Everything in the song's right,Except, you don't belong to me.And I've accepted that.Hopefully, not to be regretted.But guess what, I'm still happy to have a friend. (:

2010-01-03T21:08:00.001+08:00

Some things I can't say.

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Slipping Through My Fingers

dedicated to you:

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(Slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didn't
And why I just don't know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile

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I do.

2009-12-31T21:27:00.002+08:00

Blog.

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Me, Or Not

dedicated to you:

Recently, I found myself a new pet, named "me".
Thinking twice, perhaps it isn't that new afterall.
"Me" has been with me all along,
Except that recently, I seem to not understand "me".

While it is true that "me" has always been introverted,
"Me" always listened to me when I asked it to go out.
"Me" does not like it when others get disappointed,
So "me" always gave in to invitations and went out.

But recently, "me" changed.
"Me" learnt a new skill known as rejection.
"Me" has decided for itself to not go out anymore.
"Me" has recently turned a hermit, turning everyone down.

I don't know why "me" has decided to not bother.
I can feel the sense of guilt coming from "me".
But "me" seems really determined this time round.
"Me" appears not to know why it's doing so as well.

I think it is not that "me" does not want to go out.
"Me" is okay with going out, that's what I think.
"Me" is still open to invitations and going out.
But somehow nothing appeals to "me" anymore.

Whatever appeals, I cannot provide for "me".
And whatever I asked, "me" does not want.
Maybe "me" no longer knows what appeals anymore.
I don't know who is "me" anymore.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm sorry to all those whom I turned down these days.I really really don't want to go out.And no one would really understand why.I think I've been like that all along,Just less obvious.Oh well, whatever.No one would understand.Perhaps you will, but you wouldn't care.

2009-12-25T11:53:00.002+08:00

I think I'm just too petty.

But anyhow, merry christmas.

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Joy Luck Club (Rice Husband) by Amy Tan

dedicated to yueqi and perhaps you:

To this day, I believe my mother has the mysterious ability to see things before they happen. She has a Chinese saying for what she knows. Chunwang chihan: If the lips are gone, the teeth will be cold. Which means, I suppose, one thing is always the result of another.

But she does not predict when earthquakes will come, or how the stock market will do. She sees only bad things that affect our family. And she knows what causes them. But now she laments that she never did anything to stop them.

One time when I was growing up in San Francisco, she looked at the way our new apartment sat too steeply on the hill. She said the new baby in her womb would fall out dead, and it did.

When a plumbing and bathroom fixtures store opened up across the street from our bank, my mother said the bank would soon have all its money drained away. And one month later, an officer of the bank was arrested for embezzlement.

And just after my father died last year, she said she knew this would happen. Because a philodendron plant my father had given her had withered and died, despite the fact that she watered it faithfully. She said the plant had damaged its roots and no water could get to it. The autopsy report she later received showed my father had had ninety-percent blockage of the arteries before he died of a heart attack at the age of seventy-four. My father was not Chinese like my mother, but English-Irish American, who enjoyed his five slices of bacon and three eggs sunnyside up every morning.

I remember this ability of my mothers, because now she is visiting my husband and me in the house we just bought in Woodside. And I wonder what she will see.

Harold and I were lucky to find this place, which is near the summit of Highway 9, then a left-right-left down three forks of unmarked dirt roads, unmarked because the residents always tear down the signs to keep out salesmen, developers, and city inspectors. We are only a forty-minute drive to my mothers apartment in San Francisco. This became a sixty-minute ordeal coming back from San Francisco, when my mother was with us in the car. After we got to the two-lane winding road to the summit, she touched her hand gently to Harolds shoulder and softly said, "Ai, tire squealing." And then a little later, "Too much tear and wear on car."

Harold had smiled and slowed down, but I could see his hands were clenched on the steering wheel of the Jaguar, as he glanced nervously in his rearview mirror at the line of impatient cars that was growing by the minute. And I was secretly glad to watch his discomfort. He was always the one who tailgated old ladies in their Buicks, honking his horn and revving the engine as if he would run them over unless they pulled over.

And at the same time, I hated myself for being mean-spirited, for thinking Harold deserved this torment. Yet I couldnt help myself. I was mad at Harold and he was exasperated with me. That morning, before we picked my mother up, he had said, "You should pay for the exterminators, because Mirugai is your cat and so theyre your fleas. Its only fair."

None of our friends could ever believe we fight over something as stupid as fleas, but they would also never believe that our problems are much, much deeper than that, so deep I dont even know where bottom is.

And now that my mother is here—she is staying for a week, or until the electricians are done rewiring her building in San Francisco—we have to pretend nothing is the matter.

Meanwhile she asks over and over again why we had to pay so much for a renovated barn and a mildew-lined pool on four acres of land, two of which are covered with redwood trees and poison oak. Actually she doesnt really ask, she just says, "Aii, so much money, so much," as we show her different parts of the house and land. And her laments always compel Harold to explain to my mother in simple terms: "Well, you see, its the details that cost so much. Like this wood floor. Its hand-bleached. And the walls here, this marbleized effect, its hand-sponged. Its really worth it."

And my mother nods and agrees: "Bleach and sponge cost so much."

During our brief tour of the house, shes already found the flaws. She says the slant of the floor makes her feel as if she is "running down." She thinks the guest room where she will be staying—which is really a former hayloft shaped by a sloped roof—has "two lopsides." She sees spiders in high corners and even fleas jumping up in the air—pah! pah! pah!—like little spatters of hot oil. My mothers knows, underneath all the fancy details that cost so much, this house is still a barn.

She can see all this. And it annoys me that all she sees are the bad parts. But then I look around and everything shes said is true. And this convinces me she can see what else is going on, between Harold and me. She knows whats going to happen to us. Because I remember something else she saw when I was eight years old.

My mother had looked in my rice bowl and told me I would marry a bad man.

"Aii, Lena," she had said after that dinner so many years ago, "your future husband have one pock mark for every rice you not finish."

She put my bowl down. "I once know a pock-mark man. Mean man, bad man."

And I thought of a mean neighbor boy who had tiny pits in his cheeks, and it was true, those marks were the size of rice grains. This boy was about twelve and his name was Arnold.

Arnold would shoot rubber bands at my legs whenever I walked past his building on my way home from school, and one time he ran over my doll with his bicycle, crushing her legs below the knees. I didnt want this cruel boy to be my future husband. So I picked up that cold bowl of rice and scraped the last few grains into my mouth, then smiled at my mother, confident my future husband would be not Arnold but someone whose face was as smooth as the porcelain in my now clean bowl.

But my mother sighed. "Yesterday, you not finish rice either." I thought of those unfinished mouthfuls of rice, and then the grains that lined my bowl the day before, and the day before that. By the minute, my eight-year-old heart grew more and more terror-stricken over the growing possibility that my future husband was fated to be this mean boy Arnold. And thanks to my poor eating habits, his hideous face would eventually resemble the craters of the moon.

This would have been a funny incident to remember from my childhood, but it is actually a memory I recall from time to time with a mixture of nausea and remorse. My loathing for Arnold had grown to such a point that I eventually found a way to make him die. I let one thing result from another. Of course, all of it could have been just loosely connected coincidences. And whether thats true or not, I know the intention was there. Because when I want something to happen—or not happen—I begin to look at all events and all things as relevant, an opportunity to take or avoid.

I found the opportunity. The same week my mother told me about the rice bowl and my future husband, I saw a shocking film at Sunday school. I remember the teacher had dimmed the lights so that all we could see were silhouettes of one another. Then the teacher looked at us, a roomful of squirmy, well-fed Chinese-American children, and she said, "This film will show you why you should give tithings to God, to do Gods work."

She said, "I want you to think about a nickels worth of candy money, or however much you eat each week—your Good and Plentys, your Necco wafers, your jujubes—and compare that to what you are about to see. And I also want you to think about what your true blessings in life really are."

And then she set the film projector clattering away. The film showed missionaries in Africa and India. These good souls worked with people whose legs were swollen to the size of tree trunks, whose numb limbs had become as twisted as jungle vines. But the most terrible of the afflictions were men and women with leprosy. Their faces were covered with every kind of misery I could imagine: pits and pustules, cracks and bumps, and fissures that I was sure erupted with the same vehemence as snails writhing in a bed of salt. If my mother had been in the room, she would have told me these poor people were victims of future husbands and wives who had failed to eat platefuls of food.

After seeing this film, I did a terrible thing. I saw what I had to do so I would not have to marry Arnold. I began to leave more rice in my bowl. And then I extended my prodigal ways beyond Chinese food. I did not finish my creamed corn, broccoli, Rice Krispies, or peanut butter sandwiches. And once, when I bit into a candy bar and saw how lumpy it was, how full of secret dark spots and creamy goo, I sacrificed that as well.

I considered that probably nothing would happen to Arnold, that he might not get leprosy, move to Africa and die. And this somehow balanced the dark possibility that he might.

He didnt die right away. In fact, it was some five years later, by which time I had become quite thin. I had stopped eating, not because of Arnold, whom I had long forgotten, but to be fashionably anorexic like all the other thirteen-year-old girls who were dieting and finding other ways to suffer as teenagers. I was sitting at the breakfast table, waiting for my mother to finish packing a sack lunch which I always promptly threw away as soon as I rounded the corner. My father was eating with his fingers, dabbing the ends of his bacon into the egg yolks with one hand, while holding the newspaper with the other.

"Oh my, listen to this," he said, still dabbing. And thats when he announced that Arnold Reisman, a boy who lived in our old neighborhood in Oakland, had died of complications from measles. He had just been accepted to Cal State Hayward and was planning to become a podiatrist.

"Doctors were at first baffled by the disease, which they report is extremely rare and generally attacks children between the ages of ten and twenty, months to years after they have contracted the measles virus, " read my father. "The boy had had a mild case of the measles when he was twelve, reported his mother. Problems this year were first noticed when the boy developed motor coordination problems and mental lethargy which increased until he fell into a coma. The boy, age seventeen, never regained consciousness.

"Didnt you know that boy?" asked my father, and I stood there mute.

"This is shame," said my mother, looking at me. "This is terrible shame."

And I thought she could see through me and that she knew I was the one who had caused Arnold to die. I was terrified.

That night, in my room, I gorged myself. I had stolen a halfgallon of strawberry ice cream from the freezer, and I forced spoonful after spoonful down my throat. And later, for several hours after that, I sat hunched on the fire escape landing outside my bedroom, retching back into the ice cream container. And I remember wondering why it was that eating something good could make me feel so terrible, while vomiting something terrible could make me feel so good.

The thought that I could have caused Arnolds death is not so ridiculous. Perhaps he was destined to be my husband. Because I think to myself, even today, how can the world in all its chaos come up with so many coincidences, so many similarities and exact opposites? Why did Arnold single me out for his rubber-band torture? How is it that he contracted measles the same year I began consciously to hate him? And why did I think of Arnold in the first place—when my mother looked in my rice bowl—and then come to hate him so much? Isnt hate merely the result of wounded love?

And even when I can finally dismiss all of this as ridiculous, I still feel that somehow, for the most part, we deserve what we get. I didnt get Arnold. I got Harold.

Harold and I work at the same architectural firm, Livotny & Associates. Only Harold Livotny is a partner and I am an associate. We met eight years ago, before he started Livotny & Associates. I was twenty-eight, a project assistant, and he was thirty-four. We both worked in the restaurant design and development division of Harned Kelley & Davis.

We started seeing each other for working lunches, to talk about the projects, and we would always split the tab right in half, even though I usually ordered only a salad because I have this tendency to gain weight easily. Later, when we started meeting secretly for dinner, we still divided the bill.

And we just continued that way, everything right down the middle. If anything, I encouraged it. Sometimes I insisted on paying for the whole thing: meal, drinks, and tip. And it really didnt bother me.

"Lena, youre really extraordinary," Harold said after six months of dinners, five months of post-prandial lovemaking, and one week of timid and silly love confessions. We were lying in bed, between new purple sheets I had just bought for him. His old set of white sheets was stained in revealing places, not very romantic.

And he nuzzled my neck and whispered, "I dont think Ive ever met another woman, whos so together…"—and I remember feeling a hiccup of fear upon hearing the words "another woman," because I could imagine dozens, hundreds of adoring women eager to buy Harold breakfast, lunch, and dinner to feel the pleasure of his breath on their skin.

Then he bit my neck and said in a rush, "Nor anyone whos as soft and squishy and lovable as you are."

And with that, I swooned inside, caught off balance by this latest revelation of love, wondering how such a remarkable person as Harold could think I was extraordinary.

Now that Im angry at Harold, its hard to remember what was so remarkable about him. And I know theyre there, the good qualities, because I wasnt that stupid to fall in love with him, to marry him. All I can remember is how awfully lucky I felt, and consequently how worried I was that all this undeserved good fortune would someday slip away. When I fantasized about moving in with him, I also dredged up my deepest fears: that he would tell me I smelled bad, that I had terrible bathroom habits, that my taste in music and television was appalling. I worried that Harold would someday get a new prescription for his glasses and hed put them on one morning, look me up and down, and say, "Why, gosh, you arent the girl I thought you were, are you?"

And I think that feeling of fear never left me, that I would be caught someday, exposed as a sham of a woman. But recently, a friend of mine, Rose, whos in therapy now because her marriage has already fallen apart, told me those kinds of thoughts are commonplace in women like us.

"At first I thought it was because I was raised with all this Chinese humility," Rose said. "Or that maybe it was because when youre Chinese youre supposed to accept everything, flow with the Tao and not make waves. But my therapist said, Why do you blame your culture, your ethnicity? And I remembered reading an article about baby boomers, how we expect the best and when we get it we worry that maybe we should have expected more, because its all diminishing returns after a certain age."

And after my talk with Rose, I felt better about myself and I thought, Of course, Harold and I are equals, in many respects. Hes not exactly handsome in the classic sense, although clear-skinned and certainly attractive in that wiry intellectual way. And I may not be a raving beauty, but a lot of women in my aerobics class tell me Im "exotic" in an unusual way, and theyre jealous that my breasts dont sag, now that small breasts are in. Plus, one of my clients said I have incredible vitality and exuberance.

So I think I deserve someone like Harold, and I mean in the good sense and not like bad karma. Were equals. Im also smart. I have common sense. And Im intuitive, highly so. I was the one who told Harold he was good enough to start his own firm.

When we were still working at Harned Kelley & Davis, I said, "Harold, this firm knows just what a good deal it has with you. Youre the goose who lays the golden egg. If you started your own business today, youd walk away with more than half of the restaurant clients."

And he said, laughing, "Half? Boy, thats love."

And I shouted back, laughing with him, "More than half! Youre that good. Youre the best there is in restaurant design and development. You know it and I know it, and so do a lot of restaurant developers."

That was the night he decided to "go for it," as he put it, which is a phrase I have personally detested ever since a bank I used to work for adopted the slogan for its employee productivity contest.

But still, I said to Harold, "Harold, I want to help you go for it, too. I mean, youre going to need money to start this business."

He wouldnt hear of taking any money from me, not as a favor, not as a loan, not as an investment, or even as the down payment on a partnership. He said he valued our relationship too much. He didnt want to contaminate it with money. He explained, "I wouldnt want a handout any more than youd want one. As long as we keep the money thing separate, well always be sure of our love for each other."

I wanted to protest. I wanted to say, "No! Im not really this way about money, the way weve been doing it. Im really into giving freely. I want…" But I didnt know where to begin. I wanted to ask him who, what woman, had hurt him this way, that made him so scared about accepting love in all its wonderful forms. But then I heard him saying what Id been waiting to hear for a long, long time.

"Actually, you could help me out if you moved in with me. I mean, that way I could use the five hundred dollars rent you paid to me…"

"Thats a wonderful idea," I said immediately, knowing how embarrassed he was to have to ask me that way. I was so deliriously happy that it didnt matter that the rent on my studio was really only four hundred thirty-five. Besides, Harolds place was much nicer, a two-bedroom flat with a two-hundred-forty-degree view of the bay. It was worth the extra money, no matter whom I shared the place with.

So within the year, Harold and I quit Harned Kelley & Davis and he started Livotny & Associates, and I went to work there as a project coordinator. And no, he didnt get half the restaurant clients of Harned Kelley & Davis. In fact, Harned Kelley & Davis threatened to sue if he walked away with even one client over the next year. So I gave him pep talks in the evening when he was discouraged. I told him how he should do more avantgarde thematic restaurant design, to differentiate himself from the other firms.

"Who needs another brass and oakwood bar and grill?" I said. "Who wants another pasta place in sleek Italian moderno? How many places can you go to with police cars lurching out of the walls? This town is chockablock with restaurants that are just clones of the same old themes. You can find a niche. Do something different every time. Get the Hong Kong investors who are willing to sink some bucks into American ingenuity."

He gave me his adoring smile, the one that said, "I love it when youre so naive." And I adored his looking at me like that.

So I stammered out my love. "You…you…could do new theme eating places…a…a…Home on the Range! All the home-cooked mom stuff, mom at the kitchen range with a gingham apron and mom waitresses leaning over telling you to finish your soup.

"And maybe…maybe you could do a novel-menu restaurant…foods from fiction…sandwiches from Lawrence Sanders murder mysteries, just desserts from Nora Ephrons Heartburn. And something else with a magic theme, or jokes and gags, or…"

Harold actually listened to me. He took those ideas and he applied them in an educated, methodical way. He made it happen. But still, I remember, it was my idea.

And today Livotny & Associates is a growing firm of twelve full-time people, which specializes in thematic restaurant design, what I still like to call "theme eating." Harold is the concept man, the chief architect, the designer, the person who makes the final sales presentation to a new client. I work under the interior designer, because, as Harold explains, it would not seem fair to the other employees if he promoted me just because we are now married—that was five years ago, two years after he started Livotny & Associates. And even though I am very good at what I do, I have never been formally trained in this area. When I was majoring in Asian-American studies, I took only one relevant course, in theater set design, for a college production of Madama Butterfly.

At Livotny & Associates, I procure the theme elements. For one restaurant called The Fishermans Tale, one of my prized findings was a yellow varnished wood boat stenciled with the name "Overbored," and I was the one who thought the menus should dangle from miniature fishing poles, and the napkins be printed with rulers that have inches translating into feet. For a Lawrence of Arabia deli called Tray Sheik, I was the one who thought the place should have a bazaar effect, and I found the replicas of cobras lying on fake Hollywood boulders.

I love my work when I dont think about it too much. And when I do think about it, how much I get paid, how hard I work, how fair Harold is to everybody except me, I get upset.

So really, were equals, except that Harold makes about seven times more than what I make. He knows this, too, because he signs my monthly check, and then I deposit it into my separate checking account.

Lately, however, this business about being equals started to bother me. Its been on my mind, only I didnt really know it. I just felt a little uneasy about something. And then about a week ago, it all became clear. I was putting the breakfast dishes away and Harold was warming up the car so we could go to work. And I saw the newspaper spread open on the kitchen counter, Harolds glasses on top, his favorite coffee mug with the chipped handle off to the side. And for some reason, seeing all these little domestic signs of familiarity, our daily ritual, made me swoon inside. But it was as if I were seeing Harold the first time we made love, this feeling of surrendering everything to him, with abandon, without caring what I got in return.

And when I got into the car, I still had the glow of that feeling and I touched his hand and said, "Harold, I love you." And he looked in the rearview mirror, backing up the car, and said, "I love you, too. Did you lock the door?" And just like that, I started to think, Its just not enough.

Harold jingles the car keys and says, "Im going down the hill to buy stuff for dinner. Steaks okay? Want anything special?"

"Were out of rice," I say, discreetly nodding toward my mother, whose back is turned to me. Shes looking out the kitchen window, at the trellis of bougainvillea. And then Harold is out the door and I hear the deep rumble of the car and then the sound of crunching gravel as he drives away.

My mother and I are alone in the house. I start to water the plants. She is standing on her tiptoes, peering at a list stuck on our refrigerator door.

The list says "Lena" and "Harold" and under each of our names are things weve bought and how much they cost:

Lena
chicken, veg., bread, broccoli, shampoo, beer $19.63
Maria (clean + tip) $65

groceries (see shop list) $55.15
petunias, potting soil $14.11
Photo developing $13.83

Harold
Garage stuff $25.35
Bathroom stuff $5.41
Car stuff $6.57
Light Fixtures $87.26
Road gravel $19.99
Gas $22.00
Car Smog Check $35
Movies & Dinner $65
Ice Cream $4.50

The way things are going this week, Harolds already spent over a hundred dollars more, so Ill owe him around fifty from my checking account.

"What is this writing?" asks my mother in Chinese.

"Oh, nothing really. Just things we share," I say as casually as I can.

And she looks at me and frowns but doesnt say anything. She goes back to reading the list, this time more carefully, moving her finger down each item.

And I feel embarrassed, knowing what shes seeing. Im relieved that she doesnt see the other half of it, the discussions. Through countless talks, Harold and I reached an understanding about not including personal things like "mascara," and "shaving lotion," "hair spray" or "Bic shavers," "tampons," or "athletes foot powder."

When we got married at city hall, he insisted on paying the fee. I got my friend Robert to take photos. We held a party at our apartment and everybody brought champagne. And when we bought the house, we agreed that I should pay only a percentage of the mortgage based on what I earn and what he earns, and that I should own an equivalent percentage of community property; this is written in our prenuptial agreement. Since Harold pays more, he had the deciding vote on how the house should look. It is sleek, spare, and what he calls "fluid," nothing to disrupt the line, meaning none of my cluttered look. As for vacations, the one we choose together is fifty-fifty. The others Harold pays for, with the understanding that its a birthday or Christmas present, or an anniversary gift.

And weve had philosophical arguments over things that have gray borders, like my birth control pills, or dinners at home when we entertain people who are really his clients or my old friends from college, or food magazines that I subscribe to but he also reads only because hes bored, not because he would have chosen them for himself.

And we still argue about Mirugai, the cat—not our cat, or my cat, but the cat that was his gift to me for my birthday last year.

"This, you do not share!" exclaims my mother in an astonished voice. And I am startled, thinking she had read my thoughts about Mirugai. But then I see she is pointing to "ice cream" on Harolds list. My mother must remember the incident on the fire escape landing, where she found me, shivering and exhausted, sitting next to that container of regurgitated ice cream. I could never stand the stuff after that. And then I am startled once again to realize that Harold has never noticed that I dont eat any of the ice cream he brings home every Friday evening.

"Why you do this?"

My mother has a wounded sound in her voice, as if I had put the list up to hurt her. I think how to explain this, recalling the words Harold and I have used with each other in the past: "So we can eliminate false dependencies…be equals…love without obligation…" But these are words she could never understand.

So instead I tell my mother this: "I dont really know. Its something we started before we got married. And for some reason we never stopped."

When Harold returns from the store, he starts the charcoal. I unload the groceries, marinate the steaks, cook the rice, and set the table. My mother sits on a stool at the granite counter, drinking from a mug of coffee Ive poured for her. Every few minutes she wipes the bottom of the mug with a tissue she keeps stuffed in her sweater sleeve.

During dinner, Harold keeps the conversation going. He talks about the plans for the house: the skylights, expanding the deck, planting flower beds of tulips and crocuses, clearing the poison oak, adding another wing, building a Japanese-style tile bathroom. And then he clears the table and starts stacking the plates in the dishwasher.

"Whos ready for dessert?" he asks, reaching into the freezer.

"Im full," I say.

"Lena cannot eat ice cream," says my mother.

"So it seems. Shes always on a diet."

"No, she never eat it. She doesnt like."

And now Harold smiles and looks at me puzzled, expecting me to translate what my mother has said.

"Its true," I say evenly. "Ive hated ice cream almost all my life."

Harold looks at me, as if I, too, were speaking Chinese and he could not understand.

"I guess I assumed you were just trying to lose weight…. Oh well."

"She become so thin now you cannot see her," says my mother. "She like a ghost, disappear."

"Thats right! Christ, thats great," exclaims Harold, laughing, relieved in thinking my mother is graciously trying to rescue him.

After dinner, I put clean towels on the bed in the guest room. My mother is sitting on the bed. The room has Harolds minimalist look to it: the twin bed with plain white sheets and white blanket, polished wood floors, a bleached oakwood chair, and nothing on the slanted gray walls.

The only decoration is an odd-looking piece right next to the bed: an end table made out of a slab of unevenly cut marble and thin crisscrosses of black lacquer wood for the legs. My mother puts her handbag on the table and the cylindrical black vase on top starts to wobble. The freesias in the vase quiver.

"Careful, its not too sturdy," I say. The table is a poorly designed piece that Harold made in his student days. Ive always wondered why hes so proud of it. The lines are clumsy. It doesnt bear any of the traits of "fluidity" that are so important to Harold these days.

"What use for?" asks my mother, jiggling the table with her hand. "You put something else on top, everything fall down. Chunwang chihan."

I leave my mother in her room and go back downstairs. Harold is opening the windows to let the night air in. He does this every evening.

"Im cold," I say.

"Whats that?"

"Could you close the windows, please."

He looks at me, sighs and smiles, pulls the windows shut, and then sits down cross-legged on the floor and flips open a magazine. Im sitting on the sofa, seething, and I dont know why. Its not that Harold has done anything wrong. Harold is just Harold.

And before I even do it, I know Im starting a fight that is bigger than I know how to handle. But I do it anyway. I go to the refrigerator and I cross out "ice cream" on Harolds side of the list.

"Whats going on here?"

"I just dont think you should get credit for your ice cream anymore."

He shrugs his shoulders, amused. "Suits me."

"Why do you have to be so goddamn fair!" I shout.

Harold puts his magazine down, now wearing his openmouthed exasperated look. "What is this? Why dont you say whats really the matter?"

"I dont know…. I dont know. Everything…the way we account for everything. What we share. What we dont share. Im so tired of it, adding things up, subtracting, making it come out even. Im sick of it."

"You were the one who wanted the cat."

"What are you talking about?"

"All right. If you think Im being unfair about the exterminators, well both pay for it."

"Thats not the point!"

"Then tell me, please, what is the point?"

I start to cry, which I know Harold hates. It always makes him uncomfortable, angry. He thinks its manipulative. But I cant help it, because I realize now that I dont know what the point of this argument is. Am I asking Harold to support me? Am I asking to pay less than half? Do I really think we should stop accounting for everything? Wouldnt we continue to tally things up in our head? Wouldnt Harold wind up paying more? And then wouldnt I feel worse, less than equal? Or maybe we shouldnt have gotten married in the first place. Maybe Harold is a bad man. Maybe Ive made him this way.

None of it seems right. Nothing makes sense. I can admit to nothing and I am in complete despair.

"I just think we have to change things," I say when I think I can control my voice. Only the rest comes out like whining. "We need to think about what our marriage is really based on…not this balance sheet, who owes who what."

"Shit," Harold says. And then he sighs and leans back, as if he were thinking about this. Finally he says in what sounds like a hurt voice, "Well, I know our marriage is based on a lot more than a balance sheet. A lot more. And if you dont then I think you should think about what else you want, before you change things."

And now I dont know what to think. What am I saying? Whats he saying? We sit in the room, not saying anything. The air feels muggy. I look out the window, and out in the distance is the valley beneath us, a sprinkling of thousands of lights shimmering in the summer fog. And then I hear the sound of glass shattering, upstairs, and a chair scrapes across a wood floor.

Harold starts to get up, but I say, "No, Ill go see."

The door is open, but the room is dark, so I call out, "Ma?"

I see it right away: the marble end table collapsed on top of its spindly black legs. Off to the side is the black vase, the smooth cylinder broken in half, the freesias strewn in a puddle of water.

And then I see my mother sitting by the open window, her dark silhouette against the night sky. She turns around in her chair, but I cant see her face.

"Fallen down," she says simply. She doesnt apologize.

"It doesnt matter," I say, and I start to pick up the broken glass shards. "I knew it would happen."

"Then why you dont stop it?" asks my mother.

And its such a simple question.____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Love just can't be trusted?I'm sorry.

2009-12-23T12:08:00.002+08:00

Just felt like photoshopping.

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Hope versus Reality

dedicated to zhiyang:

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Reality always overpower hope.Unless the ball of hope's enough to sustain reality's gnawing.
Cheer up dude (:
On a side note, Am I right to place my hope in you?

2009-12-23T10:48:00.003+08:00

So, I'm finally back from everything.

Camp, camp, trip.

Emotion upheaval.

I will blog about them one by one.

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Genting Trip

dedicated to those who went:

So, the Genting trip is the last trip I've been to, amongst the three. And, it is a trip with my extended family, so I guess it's the most unique amongst the three, and it feels the most different. Anyway, being back to Genting after so long is an entirely different experience. I remember going back to Genting every year before that incident took place, and this time round, Genting just feels different. I don't know whether it is the lack of that person around, or the improvement in facilities and lack of adult games, but it is just indeed different.

So, on saturday morning 630am, after I've slept less than 6 hours and yet to recover from my sleepless youth camp, we got up, prepared and head to the shopping mall opposite my house and took the coach from there. We got up the bus, made a lot of noise, but not long after, everyone fell victim into their sleeps, and only yueqi and i remained awake throughout, talking about life. Well, since our parents were at the back, there's not much we can talk about, but we still did anyway, and I wonder how much more my mother knew about me from the eavesdropping. Anyway, yueqi kept on insisting that I'm weird throughout the whole trip, and she kindly followed chongwai's version of me living in my own sharon world, and it really makes me wonder if I'm weird. But I realised that, although I'm really disillusioned about a lot of matters, I'm still unnaturally optimistic somehow.

Moving on, we reached Genting Highlands and proceeded up to First World Hotel, queued and waited for our rooms. At that point in time, I really regretted not bringing my Washington D.C. jacket cause it was bloody cold, but oh wells, it's over now, no regrets. So, after the long long wait, we took our room keys, went up to the rooms and settled down. Just the beginning of the trip, and things happened, like an omen. Firstly, my uncle lost his handphone, and secondly, I argued with my brother again. Not that the latter is any surprise, just that sometimes, I really wonder when he would actually exceed my tolerance limit and force me to scold him, and if he did, he'd be the first ever. Sometimes, it just irritates me that everytime I try to get closer to him, he'd not give me the opportunity to, and I really don't know if I can ever build closer family relationships with them. Well, after all that uproar, I insisted in sharing rooms with yueqi, and so the rooms were split that way, and we went down for dinner. Dinner eaten, then we head on to shop and shop and I really wonder when the shopping will end. Yueqi and I kind of emo-ed throughout that shopping time, for familial reasons we both comprehend. And the shopping plus a bit of supper and all concluded the day, and we slept, till the next.

Woke up for breakfast buffet at first world cafe, which although I've been to thrice, I still find it quite a maze. Not that I don't know what food they offer, cause I can list them out all right now, but I always don't seem to find the food I want at the appropriate places. Oh wells. So we had breakfast, and went to bowl. And I got bored of bowling after a while, and somehow, I seem to always strike at the last game, maybe because I finally feel like paying attention to the game haha. Then, my brother flared up again which is really irritating and we lunched and shopped and took the flying coaster and shopped more and ate pathetic dinner, and my uncle flared up near the end of the day, and so on, and so forth and that concludes the next day. The next day was pretty similar to the second, except that we did archery, instead of bowling. And that pretty much concludes everything, other than the last, which is pretty much just breakfast, stone, lunch, shop and that's all.

Well, overall, I have to say that the trip was fun due to yujun and yueqi, though pretty weird in a sense that it was mainly shopping. It didn't even felt like I was in Genting. We took turns to emo about love and family, and I survived my sms-ing spree once again by waiting for smses. So thank you to all those who bothered to entertain me. There seems to be a lot more that I want to tell the two of my cousins, but somehow it seems like nothing ever leaves my mouth. I don't know when I can learn to cherish this family relationships more, especially within my small little family, but someday I've to learn, and I hope that day comes soon, so that I would not regret when it passes. Come to think of it, I was kind of looking forward to this trip, because it is the first family trip (not complete even) since primary school, since that incident. But things happen, and I guess we all have to move on in life, and learn to look for the greener pasteur.

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Lost, once again.

2009-12-15T11:17:00.002+08:00

Well, I wanted to blog about transformers,

And I would. Soon.

But for now, there's something more pressing in my mind.

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Prayer

dedicated to God:

Dear God,
Here, I pray for you to let me learn how to cherish the people around me,
To treasure the love that you have wonderfully planned for me,
And not to spend half my lifetime trying to chase after impossibilities,
But just to learn to appreciate your beautiful plan for me.

Dear God, let me know that it is your love that is ultimately the most crucial,
And that no matter what happens, you will still love me unconditionally,
So much so that others' love do not really matter anymore.

Dear God, let me not hurt anyone anymore,
But be decisive and really know what I want,
Because oh Lord, I want to love my neighbours like myself,
And I don't want to hurt them anymore.

Thank you Lord for always listening to my prayers,
For bringing me through everything, miraculously.

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Thank you, Lord. <3

2009-12-02T12:55:00.002+08:00

I guess I'm beginning to find myself back again.

After all that hiatus.

That sodapop, ponyboy in me.

I just wish that things will stay this way forever.

I wish the world would be under some sort of moral attention forever.

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The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan

dedicated to me:

"It's not that we had no heart or eyes for pain. We were all afraid. We all had our miseries. But to despair was to wish back for something already lost. Or to prolong what was already miserable."

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Nice quote there.We'll just move on and see how.(:

2009-11-29T20:39:00.003+08:00

I guess perhaps I should add a conclusion

To that thing that I said I was going to do yesterday.

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Romans 5

dedicated to me:

Peace and Joy

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! 10For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Death Through Adam, Life Through Christ

12Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— 13for before the law was given, sin was in the world. But sin is not taken into account when there is no law. 14Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.
15But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.

18Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. 19For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

20The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

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(: Peace.

2009-11-28T10:46:00.002+08:00

Okay, before my mind starts wandering off to something else,

There is something I really need to blog about.

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Heaven and Hell

dedicated to my friends in vj:

Well, after the literature paper on Wednesday, the 4 years of vj life has ended (apart from bio mcq, which nobody cares), and it's perhaps time to reflect about these fateful 4 years, which I've undoubtedly grown and learned the most throughout my 18 years.

It's probably already irrelevant now as to why I entered vj although I stay at the other side of the island, and also probably irrelevant as to whether I've ever regretted entering vj. And all I can now to the 2 most commonly posed questions throughout the 4 years is, yes, I did regretted but there's no point regretting a decision made so long ago, and while it is true that these 4 years have been hell, tired and heart-wrenching, there are obviously heavenly moments as well. Things always come together don't they? If you have never ever experienced sorrow, you will not know the joy of joy.

So, 4 years ago (almost), I entered vip in a totally naive mind, not knowing what I want, not knowing anything, and just dashing into it, cause everyone told me to. And well, be it cultural shock (sounds weird) or whatsoever, I really didn't like vj initially. But well, things happen and yeah, osvot became the most united ip class till now :D So thank you very much, osvot for being there these 4 years, especially andrea andrew bryan pig yeo and kevin and sheng chow (though friendships do drift apart, and I'll think about how to resolve this after this post). Perhaps it's the feeling that no matter what hell you're in, you're never alone, and that keeps people going. And of course, there's always the occasional breaks that I give myself when I felt I deserve it (which is so often), and then there's always andrea to thank to let me photocopy her notes throughout the 2 years, so much so that a majority of my file is her notes. :P So that two years, have just been cruising along, slacking, truly enjoying learning, and having fun. There wasn't any cca commitments (because I really didn't care about infocomm) and there wasn't anything to be responsible about (oh, I just remembered I was osvot's secretary for ip2 and that was nice to, shall elaborate later), everything was purely fun.

And before I conclude the life of these 2 years, there's probably something else I need to add, that dominated that 2 years of my ip life. It's something that I haven't been honestly admitting and something that has just been buried and hidden away since a long time ago, but after yesterday, I guess I can conclude that we can start being friends again, so everything's over. Well, all I have to say is...apart from academics, if there's something that made me learn the most in the 2 years, it's that relationship. Well, we had joy, we had fun, and yeah, no matter what happened, it's time to embrace the past, smile at it when you think about it, and be friends again. (:

Okay, with that, the 2 fun years where we had T33 as our classroom is over, and we became nomads, migrating from one classroom to another, and that's S33 for you. Well, similarly, I have to say that initially I really didn't like the class as well. Perhaps it's the responsibility as a CT rep, or perhaps it's just the linger of ing moments osvot in my mind that makes S33 never good enough, but well, S33 and osvot was really different, and being a leader in osvot was pure fun, while being a leader in S33 is bittersweet. So there was all the complaints about how the class wasn't taking the "class spirit" into their hands and leaving it to all to me to be complained at and to take charge. But well, we improved and yeah, I really do have great friends in S33 (: And escape was fun as well. Okay, here, a thank you to S33, especially joanne, shermaine, leanne, zhiyang, chongwai, nicholas :D

And then, in the fateful jc years, of course, there was a hell lot of other things other than the class to worry about: ct council, harmonica, wushu, nav, nuh, new hope, church, etc. The combination of everything impended everything else from progressing, and life was just simply persevering on, and going on everyday, hoping to be recharged, hoping to take a break soon, and just telling myself, everything will be over soon. And now reflecting back, it's certainly right of me not wanting any leadership positions in ip, after having a taste in secondary school. It's tiring, though you undoubtedly learn a lot from there.

So, starting with ct council. Being an exco member in ct was seriously hell and heaven. I so much wanted to step down while I was in it, and of course, after stepping down, there's lingering moments of emptiness as well. And that's probably the thing that made me learnt the most throughout these two years, about leadership, about responsibility and about being a person in general. Things happened within exco, things happened within council, and I constantly felt stretched and lost. Perhaps it's because I'm more than often not the participant of the conflict, I became an observer for most, and as a result, knew a lot, heard a lot, and felt obliged to take action at times. Well, before I move on, I have to apologise for perhaps a lack of active involvement in council and now, I'm not going to give anyone or myself any excuses so just sorry. Within and without, things have been bittersweet. And I want to thank the 17th exco - ruth, glen, gregory, hans, cecil and martin - as well as celeste for this entire journey, and for keeping me there no matter how things screwed up and how down I felt. And once again, before I conclude this, I just have to add this liner here to remind myself and those who know about that thing that happened which cause someone to say I've low EQ and which caused the whole exco to be against me for a moment probably in time. And for that, I really have to thank ivan for getting me through that whole event, though we can't talk much anymore, though i will sms you some day. :D

Moving on, there's the rest of the commitments. Harmonica was fun, though I've been slacking for the whole first year. Syf training was hell, and though we still think it's unfair that everyone got silver, but it was nevertheless an experience. And there's resonance as well, where les amis was a group together. So for these, I want to thank the ex-section 1, current section 3, les amis for everything, especially sinchi, chunyin and bobby :D thank you lots. As for the rest of the commitments, perhaps I should just say that wushu was really fun, as always and I've never ever regretted joining wushu, though I frequently doubted myself for my abilities and the senior's expectations. And the competition was really an experience as well. And of course, there's that certain you, and till now, I still feel thankful for my decision back then, because you're just so pure so nice and I wouldn't hurt you even if I am forced to.

Okay, so that's about the 4 years that had passed. The post is perhaps too short to fully describe everything, and perhaps I would do them one by one again. But before I finish up with this post, there's just one last component of my life I need to apologise for, and that's my church. I'm sorry guys for everything that had happened, for causing everything to fall apart, and I'm currently trying very hard to piece back all the broken pieces so help me alright. I'm not about to give myself any excuses but let's just work towards it together. :D Thank you elijah for letting me learn so much about how to be a person, and there's one last thing I need to settle after I finish this post, which is soon. All I can say now is...I probably expect the answer. But wells, it's still better to leave things settled. Oh, and one last thing, congrats fish and daniel for your wedding yesterday. You two have really helped me a lot throughout this, be it knowingly or unknowingly. Thanks to the two of you :D and, yesterday's probably the last help you rendered me in my decision. Thank you :D

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Friends forever everyone;

2009-11-24T12:54:00.001+08:00

I just want to blog.

But I think I would abandon this blog soon enough.

Or at the very least, I wouldn't come here as often anymore.

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Inertia

dedicated to jl:

Inertia is a wonderful force created by God.
It keeps everything where they are supposed to be.
You find your phone, you find your laptop
You find everything, where they are supposed to be.

Inertia is a wonderful force created by God.
It saves energy, saves chaos, saves the trouble of movement.
It saves everything from being what they ought to be.
It ensures that the world does not tend towards entropy.

Inertia is a wonderful force created by God.
It gives you a sense of security, albeit false.
You know your belongings are safe, your secrets are safe.
You know that you'd be safe, in your own little world.

And inertia is a wonderful force created by God.
It keeps things where there are,
It stops things from going haywire,
It prevents all the heartache in the world.

And, still, inertia is a wonderful force created by God.
Because it stops me from tending towards you.
It stops you from tending towards me.
It stops all possible heartaches, letting us slip closing to heaven,
Where there will be no regrets anymore.

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Finally, a poem in a long time.Not a good one, exactly.But oh wells.Says what I want to say.
Perhaps inertia is selfish.Or perhaps inertia is selfless.
And I know friday's going to be a flop.
I just want to be friends with you;

2009-11-23T17:38:00.002+08:00

I guess less work means more time to think.

Which is bad.

Now I kind of finally know how I ended up in so much matters.

Occupy time.

Sometimes you do things so much,

You forget why you do them.

And perhaps ___ is just one of them.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

dedicated to jl:

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wanted to write my own poem,But somehow I just can't.
No, losing isn't hard to master.I've lost, and I'm just going to lose it again.No big deal huh.

2009-11-21T14:43:00.002+08:00

All the preparations for Fish's wedding,

Reminds me painfully of something.

And my hand was once again throbbing too much to concentrate.

Sigh.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Memories

dedicated to you:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm sorry.You know what, I think I know how to end this.

2009-11-19T21:55:00.003+08:00

I'll never be able to do Estella justice.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

& the raindrops fall for you by i-will-fill-in-next-time

dedicated to Estella:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

It's normal, isn't it?Not everyone understands.Most people don't.
I'll be there. When you need me.

2009-11-19T17:35:00.002+08:00

I'm kinda feeling rebellious now.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The End of Love by Sophie Hannah

dedicated to you:

The end of love should be a big event.
It should involve the hiring of a hall.
Why the hell not? It happens to us all.
Why should it pass without acknowledgement?

Suits should be dry-cleaned, invitations sent.
Whatever forms it takes - a tiff, a brawl -
The end of love should be a big event.
It should involve the hiring of a hall.

Better than the unquestioning descent
Into the trap of silence, than the crawl
From visible to hidden, door to wall.

Get the announcements made, the money spent.
The end of love should be a big event.
It should involve the hiring of a hall.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I thought I wouldn't need to use this.But there you go.The second lit poem of paper 1.
I love lit :D

2009-11-18T14:51:00.002+08:00

I don't really have anything to blog about, really.

I just feel like blogging cause I don't feel like studying.

I'm feel very down suddenly for a reason that I don't even know.

Hmm.

Life goes on.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Out of Danger by James Fenton

dedicated to you:

Heart be kind and sign the release
As the trees their loss approve
Learn as leaves must learn to fall
Out of danger, out of love.

What belongs to frost and thaw
Sullen winter will not harm.
What belongs to wind and rain
Is out of danger from the storm.

Jealous passion, cruel need
Betray the heart they feed upon.
But what belongs to earth and death
Is out of danger from the sun.

I was cruel, I was wrong -
Hard to say and hard to know.
You do not belong to me.
You are out of danger now -

Out of danger from the wind,
Out of danger from the wave,
Out of danger from the heart,
Falling, falling out of love.

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The more I read this, the nicer it is.Too bad my head was aching too much to do it justice yesterday.Maybe the setter just fell out of love.Hmm.

2009-11-07T19:45:00.002+08:00

Maybe we aren't meant to be?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Place The Love

dedicated to me:

A lush of green, a streak of gold
The place where all the promises will hold;
The deep blue skies with the yellow sun
That's a good place and a good hunt.
The rainbow's there, from red to violet,
Nothing there is going to ever hurt.
I pray to you, I pray to God
I pray this place will be protected by Lord.

But just after that, my dreams were dashed.
The place crumbled, falling at me, they lashed.
But bit by bit I picked the fallen pieces up
Hoping to fill up the love-deprived tub.
Despite the troubles and the stormy blue seas,
I cling on to the yellow moon, hoping to see;
To see the light and to see the gold,
To see the green that's the hardest hue to hold.

Then I lumbered, I fumbled, I stumbled and I troubled.
I wondered would the place ever be recovered?

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It's an old poem.From my old blog.Found it while trying to find the poem zhiyang was referring to -.-
But I guess it's apt now.Give up huh.

2009-11-06T09:56:00.003+08:00

Just scanned through my previous blog.

Realised how much I changed.

Oh wells.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Puzzle

dedicated to me:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

My feelings for you today are too great for me to concentrate.Yet I can't message you.No, no I can't.

2009-11-04T09:24:00.003+08:00

I wanted to blog since Sunday.

Lots of things came to my mind.

Lots of realisations.

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曙光 by 春到人间

dedicated to jl:

每当我很不开心的时候
我总爱对自己说
这世界不是小小的屋檐
天空好大好远
不经过寒冬哪来梅花香
没有黎明怎么会有曙光
人生的道路崎岖或平坦
还不是要自己去承担
等待天亮期待曙光
将心中阴霾都照亮
假如全世界不再有黑暗
我的生命会不会更灿烂
等待天亮期待曙光
将心中阴霾都照亮
假如全世界不再有黑暗
我的生命会不会更灿烂

谁能够只有快乐不悲伤
遇到挫折不沮丧
人生的旅途怎样多变幻
要靠自己的判断
不经过寒冬哪来梅花香
没有黎明怎么会有曙光
人生的道路崎岖或平坦
还不是要自己去承担
等待天亮期待曙光
将心中阴霾都照亮
假如全世界不再有黑暗
我的生命会不会更灿烂
等待天亮期待曙光
将心中阴霾都照亮
假如全世界不再有黑暗
我的生命会不会更灿烂

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nothing much on that song.I just like the melancholy and optimism intermixed.
But I realised that the reason why all these are so rubbishIs cause I haven't turned my eyes to God.So yeah. God - Central of my life.
And another thing I realised.Actually, we all care, we all want to go.Then why the pretense that we don't?Does that pride make everyone feel better, more secured.Perhaps.Or perhaps you all didn't even fill in the form.Oh well.

2009-10-28T19:25:00.003+08:00

I think I'm probably the only soul who's still bothered about blogging.

And spending excessive amounts of time at it.

So, TWELVE DAYS LEFT.

TADA. I did nothing. God, save me.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

dedicated to jl:

I had heard of her as leading a most unhappy life, and as being separated from her husband, who had used her with great cruelty, and who had become quite renowned as a compound of pride, avarice, brutality, and meanness. And I had heard of the death of her husband, from an accident consequent on his ill-treatment of a horse. This release had befallen her some two years before; for anything I knew, she was married again.

The early dinner-hour at Joe's, left me abundance of time, without hurrying my talk with Biddy, to walk over to the old spot before dark. But, what with loitering on the way, to look at old objects and to think of old times, the day had quite declined when I came to the place.

There was no house now, no brewery, no building whatever left, but the wall of the old garden. The cleared space had been enclosed with a rough fence, and, looking over it, I saw that some of the old ivy had struck root anew, and was growing green on low quiet mounds of ruin. A gate in the fence standing ajar, I pushed it open, and went in.

A cold silvery mist had veiled the afternoon, and the moon was not yet up to scatter it. But, the stars were shining beyond the mist, and the moon was coming, and the evening was not dark. I could trace out where every part of the old house had been, and where the brewery had been, and where the gate, and where the casks. I had done so, and was looking along the desolate gardenwalk, when I beheld a solitary figure in it.

The figure showed itself aware of me, as I advanced. It had been moving towards me, but it stood still. As I drew nearer, I saw it to be the figure of a woman. As I drew nearer yet, it was about to turn away, when it stopped, and let me come up with it. Then, it faltered as if much surprised, and uttered my name, and I cried out:

"Estella!"

"I am greatly changed. I wonder you know me."

The freshness of her beauty was indeed gone, but its indescribable majesty and its indescribable charm remained. Those attractions in it, I had seen before; what I had never seen before, was the saddened softened light of the once proud eyes; what I had never felt before, was the friendly touch of the once insensible hand.

We sat down on a bench that was near, and I said, "After so many years, it is strange that we should thus meet again, Estella, here where our first meeting was! Do you often come back?"

"I have never been here since."

"Nor I."

The moon began to rise, and I thought of the placid look at the white ceiling, which had passed away. The moon began to rise, and I thought of the pressure on my hand when I had spoken the last words he had heard on earth.

Estella was the next to break the silence that ensued between us.

"I have very often hoped and intended to come back, but have been prevented by many circumstances. Poor, poor old place!"

The silvery mist was touched with the first rays of the moonlight, and the same rays touched the tears that dropped from her eyes. Not knowing that I saw them, and setting herself to get the better of them, she said quietly:

"Were you wondering, as you walked along, how it came to be left in this condition?"

"Yes, Estella."

"The ground belongs to me. It is the only possession I have not relinquished. Everything else has gone from me, little by little, but I have kept this. It was the subject of the only determined resistance I made in all the wretched years."

"Is it to be built on?"

"At last it is. I came here to take leave of it before its change. And you," she said, in a voice of touching interest to a wanderer, "you live abroad still?"

"Still."

"And do well, I am sure?"

"I work pretty hard for a sufficient living, and therefore - Yes, I do well."

"I have often thought of you," said Estella.

"Have you?"

"Of late, very often. There was a long hard time when I kept far from me, the remembrance, of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth. But, since my duty has not been incompatible with the admission of that remembrance, I have given it a place in my heart."
"You have always held your place in my heart," I answered.

And we were silent again, until she spoke.

"I little thought," said Estella, "that I should take leave of you in taking leave of this spot. I am very glad to do so."

"Glad to part again, Estella? To me, parting is a painful thing. To me, the remembrance of our last parting has been ever mournful and painful."

"But you said to me," returned Estella, very earnestly, 'God bless you, God forgive you!' And if you could say that to me then, you will not hesitate to say that to me now - now, when suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape. Be as considerate and good to me as you were, and tell me we are friends."

"We are friends," said I, rising and bending over her, as she rose from the bench.

"And will continue friends apart," said Estella.

I took her hand in mine, and we went out of the ruined place; and, as the morning mists had risen long ago when I first left the forge, so, the evening mists were rising now, and in all the broad expanse of tranquil light they showed to me, I saw no shadow of another parting from her.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

But, how much do I believe in fairytales?
And note to self: Stop spamming the blog with lit books.Read other books! :/

2009-10-26T21:43:00.002+08:00

New adventure with regards to my phone.

New stories learnt.

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Lost and Unfound

dedicated to jl:

As of 24102009, the informant misplaced her phone on bus number 13. She is actually rather unsure how it happened, because it all happened while she was in a state of daze, devoid of sleep. She is actually pretty sure she placed the phone into her bag, but everyone she told convinced her otherwise. So she decided to accept the hypothesis that she might have allowed the phone to slip, landing somewhere unseen till that new owner fatefully decided it's "finder's keeper".

The informant remained distraught for the next few days, devising plans on how to go about getting a new phone and how her pathetic pocket money could actually suffice paying off that phone. She knows that it's partially her fault for losing the phone, thus she knows that she has to bear the responsibility of recovering her phone. That she has no qualms, it was just a matter of how to go about doing it.

Eventually, the informant conceded defeat and bought a new phone, with terms and conditions that applies. However, at that very fateful day, the informant received a message to notify her of the person who is currently holding on to her phone. She tried calling the number, and was given the cold shoulder multiple times. Out of guilt or simply the lack of wit, the person who picked up the phone simply hanged the call when prompted to return the phone each time. Eventually, that immoral person decided that he wanted a sum for us to get back the phone. The informant refused to give in, and made a police report, which goes like this: "As of 24102009, the informant misplaced her phone..."

Through the entire act of making a police report however, the informant found it puzzling how she had to try so many means to stop the happiness of another individual. Also, the informant somehow realised that what is lost cannot be found again. She might be able to get her phone back, but the sense of loss would always be imminent, and the phone would never be the same phone again.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

So that's the story of my phone.It's so tiring.But I got a new phone anyway.
And of course, for those who can understand,Obviously this post is more than just my phone.

2009-10-24T21:18:00.002+08:00

All I want to say is...

I lost my phone. Period.

I don't know who took my phone):

I don't like that person. Oh wells.

I miss my phone):

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Depression

dedicated to my phone ): :

Iamsorryilostmyphoneireallydidn'tmeantolosemynicephone

andiamseriouslynotstupidsostopscoldingmestupidlol

imissmyphoneandiamactuallynotinasanemindtoblogbutohwell

iamnotinthemoodtodoanythingelseeither

ipromisethatifieverpickupaphoneinthefutureiwillreturnittoitsrightfulowner

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, that's all the gibberish.I don't feel like working today.But whattheheck.We'll see.

2009-10-22T19:57:00.002+08:00

Sharon Tan is finally getting stressed about As.

Not that stressed, but stressed.

Roundup of what I did since prelims:

2 bio p2, 1 chem p3, 2 math p2.

That's it.

How wonderful.

Tell me how everyone accomplishes that much. :/

Oh wells.

Study study study.

NINETEEN MORE DAYS.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

dedicated to the dream:

I stayed late that night. Gatsby asked me to wait until he was free, and I lingered in the garden until the inevitable swimming party had run up, chilled and exalted, from the black beach, until the lights were extinguished in the guest-rooms overhead. When he came down the steps at last the tanned skin was drawn unusually tight on his face, and his eyes were bright and tired.

"She didn't like it," he said immediately.

"Of course she did."

"She didn't like it," he insisted. "She didn't have a good time."

He was silent, and I guessed at his unutterable depression.

"I feel far away from her," he said. "It's hard to make her understand."

"You mean about the dance?"

"The dance?" He dismissed all the dances he had given with a snap of his fingers. "Old sport, the dance is unimportant."

He wanted nothing less of Daisy than that she should go to Tom and say: "I never loved you." After she had obliterated four years with that sentence they could decide upon the more practical measures to be taken. One of them was that, after she was free, they were to go back to Louisville and be married from her house - just as if it were five years ago.

"And she doesn't understand," he said. "She used to be able to understand. We'd sit for hours - "

He broke off and began to walk up and down a desolate path of fruit rinds and discarded favours and crushed flowers.

"I wouldn't ask too much of her," I ventured. "You can't repeat the past."

"Can't repeat the past?" he cried incredulously. "Why of course you can!"

He looked around him wildly, as if the past were lurking here in the shadow of his house, just out of reach of his hand.

"I'm going to fix everything just the way it was before," he said, nodding determinedly. "She'll see."

He talked a lot about the past, and I gathered that he wanted to recover something, some idea of himself perhaps, that had gone into loving Daisy. His life had been confused and disordered since then, but if he could once return to a certain starting place and go over it all slowly, he could find out what that thing was. . . .

. . . one autumn night, five years before, they had been walking down the street when the leaves were falling, and they came to a place where there were no trees and the sidewalk was white with moonlight. They stopped here and turned toward each other. Now it was a cool night with that mysterious excitement in it which comes at the two changes of the year. The quiet lights in the houses were humming out into the darkness and there was a stir and bustle among the stars. Out of the corner of his eye Gatsby saw that the blocks of the sidewalks really formed a ladder and mounted to a secret place above the trees—he could climb to it, if he climbed alone, and once there he could suck on the pap of life, gulp down the incomparable milk of wonder.

His heart beat faster and faster as Daisy’s white face came up to his own. He knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God. So he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning-fork that had been struck upon a star. Then he kissed her. At his lips’ touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete.

Through all he said, even through his appalling sentimentality, I was reminded of something—an elusive rhythm, a fragment of lost words, that I had heard somewhere a long time ago. For a moment a phrase tried to take shape in my mouth and my lips parted like a dumb man’s, as though there was more struggling upon them than a wisp of startled air. But they made no sound, and what I had almost remembered was uncommunicable forever.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I don't want it to be merely a dream;
I'm giving it till December.Till I decide if to wake up from my sleep.

2009-10-20T20:45:00.003+08:00

I actually never thought I will feel this way.

But I've to admit that I am.

Stupid weakling.

But I guess it's time to admit that I'm just a little too persistent for my own good.

The throb in the hand.

Will you ever be there?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

No Me Ames by Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony

dedicated to that someone:

Tell me why you're crying...
Of happiness.
And why are you drowning?
for loneliness
Tell me why you take my hands so strongly, and let your
thoughts carry you away

I love you so much
And why is that?
Crazy stubborn person, stop doubting it any longer
Even though in the future there will be a huge wall
I'm not afraid, I want to fall in love

Dont love me, because you think that
I may appear different
You dont think its right
For us to see time go by together?
Dont love me, I understand
the lie that it would be
If your love, I don;t deserve, dont love me,
just stay another day

Dont love me, because I am lost,
Because I changed the world,Because its destiny
Because it can't be, We both are like a mirror,
And you would be my own reflection
Don't love me, you would be dying
Within a war full of regrets,dont love me to be on this
Earth, I would like to throw your enormous love for the blue of the sky
.

(SHORT BREAK)

I dont know what to say to you, that's the truth
When people want to, they know how to hurt
You and I will depart, they would not move,
But in this sky dont leave me alone

Dont leave me, dont leave me, dont listen to me
If I say to you "dont love me"
Dont let me. Do not disable
my heart with that "Dont love me"
Dont love me, I'm begging you, leave me with my bitterness
You know well, that I can't, that its useless,
That I will always love you

Dont love me,because I would make you suffer with this heart of mine
that was filled with a thousand winters.
Dont love me,so that way you can forget of your gray days.
I want you to love me, just to love me
Dont love me, you and I will fly,
With with the other, and we will always be together
This love is like the sun that comes out after the storm
Like 2 comets on the same path

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Haha, whatever chongwai just said made complete sense.When you can't get someone, you move on.Perhaps it's time I've come to accept this fact.Perhaps it's time I learn to move on.Perhaps "don't give up" don't apply, for once.
[Edit: I just found a better song]

2009-10-14T17:57:00.003+08:00

The article in the news yesterday said solitude is good.

That solitude gives you more company than actual company does.

I felt it today and it's scary.

Cause I don't want the company.

Then I understood once again when I dread taking buses.

You can say I'm just escaping,

But don't try to pep talk me until you know you've as much to worry about.

I'll settle my problems myself, somehow.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Heart of Worship

dedicated to God:

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'll bring You more than just a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

Its all about you
Jesus

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

It's just times like this when I turn back to God.Once again, you might say religion's a form of escape.But I really don't care.

2009-10-12T22:14:00.003+08:00

I've probably hardly ever said this but

I really think I hate you.

For one thousand and one reasons.

But I really hate to hate you.

Teach me what to do, will you?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Great Expectations

dedicated to you-know-who:

I derived from this last, that Joe's education, like steam, was yet in its infancy, Pursuing the subject, I inquired:

"Didn't you ever go to school, Joe, when you were as little as me?"

"No, Pip."

"Why didn't you ever go to school, Joe, when you were as little as me?"

"Well, Pip," said Joe, taking up the poker, and settling himself to his usual occupation when he was thoughtful, of slowly raking the fire between the lower bars: "I'll tell you. My father, Pip, he were given to drink, and when he were overtook with drink, he hammered away at my mother, most onmerciful. It were a'most the only hammering he did, indeed, 'xcepting at myself. And he hammered at me with a wigour only to be equalled by the wigour with which he didn't hammer at his anwil. - You're a-listening and understanding, Pip?"

"Yes, Joe."

"'Consequence, my mother and me we ran away from my father, several times; and then my mother she'd go out to work, and she'd say, "Joe," she'd say, "now, please God, you shall have some schooling, child," and she'd put me to school. But my father were that good in his hart that he couldn't abear to be without us. So, he'd come with a most tremenjous crowd and make such a row at the doors of the houses where we was, that they used to be obligated to have no more to do with us and to give us up to him. And then he took us home and hammered us. Which, you see, Pip," said Joe, pausing in his meditative raking of the fire, and looking at me, "were a drawback on my learning."

"Certainly, poor Joe!"

"Though mind you, Pip," said Joe, with a judicial touch or two of the poker on the top bar, "rendering unto all their doo, and maintaining equal justice betwixt man and man, my father were that good in his hart, don't you see?"

I didn't see; but I didn't say so.

"Well!" Joe pursued, "somebody must keep the pot a biling, Pip, or the pot won't bile, don't you know?"

I saw that, and said so.

"'Consequence, my father didn't make objections to my going to work; so I went to work to work at my present calling, which were his too, if he would have followed it, and I worked tolerable hard, I assure you, Pip. In time I were able to keep him, and I kept him till he went off in a purple leptic fit. And it were my intentions to have had put upon his tombstone that Whatsume'er the failings on his part, Remember reader he were that good in his hart."

Joe recited this couplet with such manifest pride and careful perspicuity, that I asked him if he had made it himself.

"I made it," said Joe, "my own self. I made it in a moment. It was like striking out a horseshoe complete, in a single blow. I never was so much surprised in all my life - couldn't credit my own ed - to tell you the truth, hardly believed it were my own ed. As I was saying, Pip, it were my intentions to have had it cut over him; but poetry costs money, cut it how you will, small or large, and it were not done. Not to mention bearers, all the money that could be spared were wanted for my mother. She were in poor elth, and quite broke. She weren't long of following, poor soul, and her share of peace come round at last."

Joe's blue eyes turned a little watery; he rubbed, first one of them, and then the other, in a most uncongenial and uncomfortable manner, with the round knob on the top of the poker.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thank you God for leaving a perfect impression of him for me.Because I can't afford to have an imperfect ***.

2009-10-04T21:49:00.004+08:00

And like what we've learnt since young,

When the clock strikes twelve,

It's time to wake up from your dream.

I don't know why I almost teared just now.

I really don't know.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Cinderella

dedicated to my dream:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Another realisation of the day.太会做人的人不是人

2009-10-04T13:07:00.003+08:00

Finally, I'm putting it into words.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hatred

dedicated to those who understand:

To maintain the anonymity of this post, I'm not spelling out who's the subject matter of this post, but to those who understand, I'm sure you'll figure it out as you read along. I've to say, throughout my life, I'm a rather peace-loving person, and haven't really hated anyone at all, till probably these days. But I cannot absolutely claim this feeling to be hatred as well, because I know there's more to it. It's just that I've grown accustomed to thinking that I hate that particular person, that I can't seem to wire myself to think otherwise anymore.

I remember I used to have a reason for this hatred. I could exactly pinpoint to you the mistakes this particular person made, to evoke my strong distaste. However, I've to say, as the entire issue drags on, I feel like I'm just hating for the sake of hating. It's a feeling I've grown accustomed to, I cannot tell myself to feel otherwise. I used to lapse between the feeling of love and hatred, when there was still a reason for me to hate, but currently, I just dislike talking to this person, seeing this person, and I can speak less than 10 lines for the entire day when together with this person.

This person never understood why. And I never bothered to clear it up. He/she just thinks that I've an attitude problem, and refuses to talk to him/her, but I think that in actual fact, it is he/she that has a moral issue. I can't bring myself to confront this person, and I always act as if I don't mind those immoral acts at all, but as it drags on, I realise that the more I put a smile on to my face to pretend all is fine, the more it eats into me, and the more irrational distaste develops, till an irreversible state.

I realise, throughout this entire experience, that hating is a self-defeating act. When I evidently show that I hate this person, I soon realise that I have no idea why that hatred feeling is so strong, and I try to convince myself to see things from this person's point of view, and it is precisely this internal struggle that is derived from the hatred that sets me oscillating front and back, eating into me, making me feel that I'm soon going to lose my sanity, doing things that I absolutely do not wish to do. On the other hand, when I pretend to like this person, the incongruity between the outward and inward exhibition of feelings once again causes me to feel really terrible, and the more I smile about it, the more the devil inside me makes me realise how I hate that person, causing an even stronger distaste to develop. So in any case, this feeling is self-defeating and causing me to break down.

Realising the circumstances, any sane person would try not to hate anymore. And believe me, I tried. And that is when my first realisation developed - that I no longer understand why I dislike this person anymore. And in such a case, I cannot bring myself to understand myself nor him/her, and I can never extricate myself from this intense hatred. It's easy for me to just blame this person for his/her initial wrong-doing that sets me into this entire breaking down and terrible feeling, but I guess I also need to ask myself which direction I'm going to take from now on. I know now, after 18 years of living, that hatred makes one feel like a living corpse, and I really don't understand how others hate. I wish to go back to my peace-loving self, or I wish to just be someone that is known to be unreasonable, then I can just exhibit my love or hatred openly. But these just aren't options. I don't wish to blame that party anymore, and I don't wish to hate anymore, but these just don't appear to be possibilities of the near future.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

And now for something lighter,I had a dream yesterday.It was such a nice dream,I wish I'd never need to wake up from it.

2009-09-27T22:19:00.002+08:00

What goes around, comes around.

I just hope I don't bring the same trauma to my daughter

(Assuming I'm actually going to have one)

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Water Cycle

dedicated to lcy for being there always:

Raindrops flow interminably down the windowpane
Tears droop merging as one with the harsh climate
Acid corrodes the painstakingly designed buildings
Torrents wash off the plants that stems from the ground

Yet water simultaneously grooves to form rivers and coasts
And mould the beautiful sandstones giving them their shapes
They sparkle and bring life with energy to the fishes
Nourishing also the plants which derive their nutrients there

And we all know that water would rise again
To form the formless clouds which cover and block the sky
And prevent the sunlight from reaching the Earth
And when they fall, we know the cycle repeats itself again

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

As to the other you,I guess I really like it when you smile your natural smile.When there's no longer that awkward expressionAnd the forced troubles I force upon you.So I know what to do, really.

2009-09-23T22:25:00.004+08:00

What's love.

What's friendship.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Here We Go Again by Demi Lovato

dedicated to alfred&changzaixin:

I throw all of your stuff away
And then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages

I tell everyone we got through
Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
Cause I break down
Everytime you come around
Ouuh oooh

Chorus
So how did you get here under my skin?
Swore that I’ll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We’re falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And You never say what you need
But I start to go insane
Everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it’s no use
Can’t be with or without you
Ouuh oooh

Chorus
So how did you get here under my skin?
Swore that I’ll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you
Is so addictive
We’re falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go go again

And again (and again)
And again (and again)
And again

I threw all of your stuff away
And I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
Ouuh oooh, ouuh oooh

Chorus
So how did you get here under my skin?
Swore that I’ll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re falling together
You think that by now I know
Cause here we go go
Here we go again
Here we go again
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again

Again again …………..

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Don't scold me for being stupid.Tears just sprang into my eyes when I saw Alfred die.Maybe it's just an excuse.Maybe I'm just a woman.

2009-09-21T18:05:00.003+08:00

Finally, back to photoshop.

Finally, getting back that feeling.

But it's sad, it's no longer you that I get it from.

We'll be fine, wouldn't we?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Life's a Riddle

dedicated to zjd:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wanted to just spill everything out yesterday.But no, I had too much hesitations.I'm just no longer that naive and innocent to just talk.And perhaps he wasn't like how you'd understand.But no, both of you wouldn't exactly understand now.
Life's a riddle.Everyone's lives.

2009-09-20T21:37:00.004+08:00

I think I should stop downloading photos before I get sued.

But I'm going to write soon.

So hang in there.

Hopefully, I don't need to blog that much anymore.

So I can focus on studying :/

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Tear

dedicated to you:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I don't know why tears are coming back.I don't know why they seem to come so easily these days.
I don't want to break like glass you know.I don't want.
I'm sorry for whatever I did to you.Can you spare a thought for me now?

2009-09-20T09:33:00.000+08:00

I'm increasingly freaked out by my dreams.

Some things are too good to be true.

You're too beautiful to be true.

It's not possible.

So stop dreaming.

And start working :/

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Smoke

dedicated to my dreams:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

As you can see, I haven't been writing in ages.I want to write soon. :/
Anyway, get well, kevin(:My phone's at the other room,So if I remember till later, I'll message you a get well message.LOL.

2009-09-18T17:33:00.005+08:00

I accidentally deleted this post.

So i'm just reposting it back.

I can't remember what I typed.

So yeah.

Just focus on the picture.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Snow

dedicated to you:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wish, you know, I wish.I wish things would be that easy and happy.But wishes don't come true.People should not wish.It only makes them dissatisfied.
Can you please give me a hint before I stop?I don't want to end up seemingly like I toyed with you again.

2009-09-13T14:40:00.001+08:00

No, you all don't understand.

No, you all don't know how much tears are welling in my eyes.

No, you all don't know how I hate suppressing them.

SO WHAT.

So what if I'm going to fail my lit.

SO WHAT.

So what if I can't finish reading my book.

Is it my fault!

Is it my fault that the whole world has peaceful places to study in while I don't!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Suppressed Tears

dedicated to the world who doesn't care:

Silence.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

SHUT UP.I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

2009-09-13T13:05:00.003+08:00

I want to kill the world.

And I hate to suppress that feeling.

And pretend everything is fine.

And no, you don't care.

Neither do they.

What am I here for.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Shattered Darkness

dedicated to the world who doesn't care:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

That's a display picture long ago.When I can still bother about photoshopAnd come up with proper stuffs with it.
And that's another thing I want to blog about as well.The lost me.I'll do that after As.
But suddenly, I think it's not me that changed.It's you that changed.

2009-09-06T21:17:00.003+08:00

I just thought that I deserve a break.

But now I look at the time, maybe I don't deserve it that much.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Extract of Duchess of Malfi by John Webster

dedicated to -:

Upon a time Reputation, Love and Death

Would travel o'er the world; and it was concluded

That they should part, and take three several ways:

Death told them they should find him in great battles

Or cities plagued with plagues; Love gives them counsel

To enquire for him 'mongst unambitious shepherds,

Where dowries were not talked of, and sometimes

'Mongst quiet kindred that had nothing left

By their dead parents. 'Stay', quoth Reputation,

'Do not forsake me: for it is my nature

If once I part from any man I meet

I am never found again.'

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Though Ferdinand is mad, that was cool.Though I've a different intention as him when I quote that.
To think I used to think ilst was mad.And now I admire a certain someone for his love, and yeah, blog.You just don't see it when you're in it.
But sometimes it's too late.And like Gatsby, you can't get it back again.I'll give the Gatsby quote next time.
Peace.And to all, JIAYOU! (:

2009-09-06T10:29:00.003+08:00

Damn it.

That worry seized me for a moment.

The emotion I always refused to give in to.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

dedicated to jg:

And still I stood looking at the house, thinking how happy I should be if I lived there with her, and knowing that I never was happy with her, but miserable.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I guess that was how you felt.But this is how I feel now.
Right, no, I've no feelings.
"I stole her heart away, and put ice in its place."Lovely quote.

2009-09-03T12:16:00.000+08:00

Damn it.

People should just ban blogger.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

勾勾手 by 郭美美

dedicated to jl:

心　被海风吹过
咸咸的自由　还隐隐作痛
当太阳沉没我们的故事　全剧终

伤　被时间追过
今天的自由　是一道彩虹
带我迎接明天最亮的晴空
抹干眼泪往前走
用微笑召唤幸福海鸥

我们勾勾手　不准不快乐
就把舍不得都丢进回忆的黑洞尘封
我们勾勾手　如果遇见更好的人
一定要更坚强　勇敢去追求

伤　被时间追过
今天的自由　是一道彩虹
带我迎接明天最亮的晴空
抹干眼泪往前走
用微笑召唤幸福海鸥

我们勾勾手　不准不快乐
就把舍不得都丢进回忆的黑洞尘封
我们勾勾手　如果遇见更好的人
一定要更坚强　勇敢去追求

我们勾勾手　要比谁都快乐
就把舍不得都丢进成长的黑洞尘封
我们勾勾手　如果遇见更好的人
一定要更坚强　勇敢去追求

一定更坚强把爱　勇敢追求

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm trying.Trust me.

2009-09-02T18:00:00.003+08:00

Prelims is here.

So I can blog :D

How ironic.

Let's all mug hard for our success.

Whatever.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Man in the Bowler Hat by Tessimond

dedicated to jl:

I am the unnoticed, the unnoticeable man:

The man who sat on your right in the morning train:

The man who looked through like a windowpane:

The man who was the colour of the carriage, the colour of the mounting

Morning pipe smoke.

I am the man too busy with a living to live,

Too hurried and worried to see and smell and touch:

The man who is patient too long and obeys too much

And wishes too softly and seldom.

I am the man they call the nation's backbone,

Who am boneless - playable catgut, pliable clay:

The Man they label Little lest one day

I dare to grow.

I am the rails on which the moment passes,

The megaphone for many words and voices:

I am the graph, diagram,

Composite face.

I am the led, the easily-fed,

The tool, the not-quite-fool,

The would-be-safe-and-sound,

The uncomplaining, bound,

The dust fine-ground,

Stone-for-a-statue waveworn pebble-round.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yeah.I'm just the unnoticeable person.That lives life without you.Because I have to, and I will.
At least I have prelims to keep my mind off now.Goodbye for now.

2009-08-30T22:59:00.003+08:00

I know I said I wouldn't blog.

But I really can't take it.

People do well in Lit cause they relate.

I can't.

I always have to shun the topics I relate to.

The walls are built too high.

I can't seem to let anyone in.

And when I try, it fails.

I hate this.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

7 things by Miley Cyrus

dedicated to jl:

I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we shared

It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
But nothing's ever gonna change
Until you hear, my dear

The 7 things I hate about you!
The 7 things I hate about you, oh you
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy

Your friends, they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

It's awkward and silent
As I wait for you to say
What I need to hear now
Your sincere apology

When you mean it, I'll believe it
If you text it, I'll delete it
Let's be clear
Oh, I'm not coming back
You're taking 7 steps here

The 7 things I hate about you!
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy

Your friends, they're jerks
When you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention the 7 that I like

The 7 things I like about you!
Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
When we kiss I'm hypnotized
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy

Your hands in mine
When we're intertwined, everything's alright
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I like most that you do
You make me love you, you do____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wouldn't have thought so much.But I couldn't resist it just now.There, just right there.
Well, one week has passed.Let's see how long I can hold it.

2009-08-24T14:54:00.002+08:00

I feel really pissed and lost now.

And if someone would be kind enough to tell me what I should be doing for ucas, thank you.

Zzz. Enough of it.

I promise this is going to be the last post before prelims.

I really need to be studying.

It's getting into me now. Finally.

I always have a lagged response. LOL.

You can't blame me, cause As is seriously not important to me.

Oh wells.

Anyway, I just wanted to say...

LOVE CARE SHARE

May we at this point in time, while struggling with As learn to look.

Notice the people around you who need help, and help.

Though you're struggling too, they might be struggling harder.

And for those who receive help, appreciate.

Someone might have lost their As while giving you yours.

No one owes you a living.

Yeah that's it.

I hope I'm doing what I said.

If i'm not, just kindly remind me.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hearts

dedicated to all:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I can't get the stupid photo to come over.So yeah. I'll do it next time.PISSSEDDDDD.

2009-08-16T20:16:00.006+08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I think I exhausted my limit for studying already.

I just don't feel like hitting the books today.

Yes, yes, I'll regret it when my results are out.

I'll think about it when it comes okay?

I don't really care now.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Love at the Beach

dedicated to someone:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I really really really really don't trust in that heart.There.
Look, it'll just be washed away anyway.By time, by the sea, by the sand.
Only the nature stays.I want to go there.Do you understand?No, you don't.

2009-08-14T17:46:00.002+08:00

Distracted. Refusing to study.

The countless days at home seem to be good time for reflection.

And for longing.

Some things really need to be settled.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Forsaken Room

dedicated to dy:

Everything stood still. The inch-thick of dust on the table has not even stirred since the late occupant of the room left. Everything remained in the state it has always been – uniform flung on the chair, bed buried under the heap of unfolded clothes, books and pens lying on the table, floor, and cabinet. That’s just the way he liked it. Or rather, the way the compromise that had reached: between his messiness and his mum’s complaints.

Oh, his mum’s complaints – that’s another thing he hated. Yes, after the countless pep talks he has been through, he fully understands what it means by “your mum loves you”, and what he understands even more is the next clause that always comes along “just in a different way”. Right, different way. It just so happens that his mum never loved him the way she loved his brothers. It just so happens that his mum never loved him the way he liked it to be. It just so happens that his mum never loved him the way his dad loved him. Well, at least he has his dad. That’s the least comfort he could have. Or rather, that’s the least comfort he could have after she had left him. At least once, he had her. But…but…well, it’s over, no buts.

Even though he knew clearly it’s over, he also knew that there’s this part in his heart that longed for her – the part which he long regarded as dead, immune, unfeeling. Yet, that photo of them on the table told tales. He kept it still; even after the numerous years that have passed…he kept it still. The photo gleamed. Or maybe it was the two characters in the photo that gleamed. They were so full of love, full of happiness, full of each other. They looked as though they could be sitting through a disaster without even knowing it, just because they have each other. Yet, those were the past. Whatever happened, no one really knew. But everyone knew, that that was the past. In fact, even he was the past now.

He was a brilliant boy. That’s what everyone said. He had no problems in anything, anything at all. He did well in sports, he scored As effortlessly, he was the hunk in school. Always surrounded with friends, always surrounded with girls, no one could understand that emptiness in the heart he was referring to. In fact, he got bashed up by his friends once, for harping on that emptiness. They told him that there’s no reason for him to feel empty, no reason for him to be sad. Then, he stopped it altogether. He stopped talking about it. He stopped talking about the emptiness. He stopped looking for the solution to the emptiness. All he did was just train more, study harder, work more. Those were his solutions.

Well, at least those were his solutions till she came along. She understood him perfectly. She always has this knack of understanding people, and he just didn’t seem that particularly tough to break down. Soon after, he was constantly seen around her, and she around him. Till one day, it just stopped altogether. Rumours were that it was her who started becoming cold to him apparently. But later on, it seems that it was him who ended it all, freezing the entire relationship. No one really knew what was going on, except her and him, maybe.

But it was all too late. She wanted to save him, she did. Years and years, she tried. But since that very incident, it just seems impossible to get into him ever again. Or maybe she didn’t try hard enough, that’s what he accuses her off. Maybe it’s true her mind has been off him, but she did and still does want him to be well. He never understood. He thought she had left him, left him for good. But no, she still wanted well for him. But he closed up, closed up towards her, closed up towards everyone. No one could understand him anymore. He returned to his world – his world of training, studying, working. And now, the fences are built even higher. He did not allow anyone into his world at all. And he slumped. Devoid, unfeeling, troubled, alone, he slumped. He fell. And he realised, no one was there to pick him up. He forgot about her. Though she promised to be always there for him, he forgot about her. She did not know what to do anymore to help him. And all she could do, was watch him fall, and fall, till she could help him no longer.

And there, she stood once again at the ever-familiar room. For once, the dust got cleared. “To preserve memories,” they said. But some things that have to be done have to be done. With tears, she wet, wiped and cleaned the whole room. That was what has to be done. She removed that thing, that memory that caused his death. Reaching out, she took the photograph, wrapped it, and hid it in his long-forsaken bag. “It has to be gone,” she said, though she knew that deep down, it would still be there. Hidden, but still there. Like a scar, that memory would never be removed, till she, and perhaps he, walks over it courageously.

(890 words)

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I realised it has been quite some time since I dedicated something to him.Though no, believe me, he's still there somewhere.Hidden, unfound, somewhere.
Escaping seems to be a fashionable thing to do.Refusing to think, refusing to do, refusing to admit.I just want to sleep.
But I guess, one day,Some things still have to be settled.
Unless I walk it out, unless I get that devoid out,Nothing would be a success.Nothing.
That's something I realised,When you walked away that day.

2009-08-09T14:03:00.002+08:00

Finally, I know what I wanted to blog about.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

當你孤單你會想起誰 by張棟樑

dedicated to me:

你的心情總在飛

什麼事都想去追

想抓住一些安慰

你總是喜歡在人群中徘徊

你最害怕孤單的滋味

你的心那麼脆

一碰就會碎

經不起一點風吹

你的身邊總是要許多人陪

你最害怕每天的天黑

但是天總會黑

人總要離別

誰也不能永遠陪誰

而孤單的滋味

誰都要面對

不只是你我會感覺到疲憊

當你孤單你會想起誰

你想不想找個人來陪

你的快樂傷悲

只有我能體會

讓我再陪你走一回

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yeah. That's it.I can't seriously articulate the complicity of my feelings right now.But I'm really really tired of the thousand fears and insecurities within me.There's this part of me that's at the verge of letting everything outYet there's another part of me that has been putting on a strong front since young.I can't afford to break down.
And for one, my deepest fear is myself.I hate me, for who I am.I wish I'm less selfish, I wish I need less love, I wish I need less attention, I wish I need less sense of belonging, but I can't seem to help it.
Somehow putting on a strong front has made me break down others' strong fronts.But somehow no one seems to be able to see through mine.Guess I'm just too used, too natural.
I'm tired.No one understands.Do you? You who used to understand me even without me saying anything.But back then, we were all young and innocent.Has things changed?

2009-08-06T10:38:00.004+08:00

Right.

This just made me realise I always come here when I'm in a bad mood.

So no, the contents of this blog do not reveal my daily life.

I just happen to be more pensive when I'm sad.

So yeah. I need to be here,

Before I can go work.

So I don't waste a precious day without school.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Random Quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson

dedicated to me and those who need it:

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in raising up every time we fail."

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thank you shixiong for that quote.Wushu feels like family(:
And yeah, I've learnt.Just pay more attention, work harder the next time.Anyway, random note: Part of me wants to do well for Prelims while the other part of me doesn't. Let's see which side triumphs.
I wish you're here with me.Hopefully everything there goes on fine yeah.

2009-07-30T14:31:00.003+08:00

I just needed to vent before I settle down to work.

And yes, I know I've to work.

I love to mug.

Yeah right.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The S Word

dedicated to those who understand:

There's this s word that everyone avoids.
No it's not a swear word, it's not swear either
It's not a derogatory word, it's not offensive
It's just not a word that people want to be associated with
(Or at least, not me)

Thinking about it, there might be people who want it
Strangely, it appears to be reflective of status
Some say that it drives and pushes people
Personally, I connect more with the latter
(It pushes me off a cliff)

But having said that much about it, I've to admit
Actually there's nothing very fanciful about the word
In fact, I think it's pretty common
Amongst people that I'm close to at least
(Oh, maybe that's why I've it)

No, I do not choose to have it, I prefer not to have it
Often, I try pushing it off my mind before it pushes me
But I don't know why we just seem to have a strange affinity
It refuses to go away no matter how hard I try
(In fact, it accumulates)

Maybe it's those kind of a pest
The more you try to get rid of it, the more it stays
But there's nothing I can do about it
Nothing I can do to fight it
(Even with my strongest defence being tears)

To tell you the truth, I really really hate it
And I want it to go away
So here, I dedicate this poem to you, s word
Would you please go away?
(And yes, ha, it's stress)

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I've come to realise today that I'm portrayed as a mugger.Ha, something new isn't it?Makes me wonder why.

2009-07-26T20:58:00.001+08:00

Well...we've all grown up.

I just realised that university is like next year. :/

Yeah, I'm ageing.

It's been six years we've been in there.

And I guess all's coming to an end. A stop.

Much as I don't want to.

I've already learnt that memories can't be recreated.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Tears

dedicated to me:

I want to cry.
Cry it out hard.
But it's not possible.
Nope.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thank you, you.

2009-07-16T22:52:00.004+08:00

I wish to sleep and never wake up.

But I guess after talking so much yesterday

And letting out things I kept for years,

I feel better now.

And I've grown up learning that you just don't make everyone worry about you.

It's just a stupid mistake.

WAKE UP, MISS. (:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Perfect

dedicated to chunyin and zhiyang:

"Let's welcome our top scorer, Mr. Perfect!"
Claps roared, cheers boomed, with all eyes fixed on that.
An amazing ace certificate flashed across the screen.
And his wonderful titles were all heard in the screams.

Headprefect, top scorer, band soloist...
Though not very dashing, he was the prince.
He never put on airs, he was willing to help
Though rich, his notes were tucked deep, never allowed to yell.

He was everything, he was on girl's lists.
The girls were his lovers, the guys his idolists.
And that day, he proved them right once again.

As always, his smile was dashing, once again.
But as his smile creaks, no one hears his heart creaking away.
He no longer knows how long he can run away.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

To that two that I talked to yesterday,Relax. I'm okay already.I wrote this quite some time ago.
I realised I was wrong no one knows the problems of being up there.Because all of you guys have been up there before,In your secondary school and all.So yeah. I'm the one that doesn't understand how it feels being down there.But I'm falling.Falling.And one day, I'll reach down there too.
We all get our chances.But whatever it is, A levels.

2009-07-16T18:35:00.002+08:00

Actually, I've been wanting to write ANOTHER poem.

But I just can't do it.

I guess it's just too complex for now

For me to pen it down nicely.

Or maybe my poetry skills just suck.

Nonetheless, another poem.

Inspired by something zhiyang said today.

Bet he doesn't even know that.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Carnival

dedicated to zhiyang (idk if you'll understand) and joanne:

Music blasting, laughter booming,
The Carnival's up again!
Lights flicker red orange green
Wheels rolling up down left
Smiles are widespread everywhere.

The clowns put on their make up,
The courtiers wear their masks,
The darkness and chaos
Reveal only the white chattering teeth,

Eyes appear to disappear
Bodies appear all stifled
And all that's seen's the curved-up mouth.

But when the Carnival ends,
Water drop by from the fountain
Damping the wide-open smile.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I guess no one will ever know one's life aside from what they see.And likewise, I'll never know yours? Perhaps.

2009-07-15T21:14:00.003+08:00

Now that my heart is only dripping blood,

and not bleeding that much,

maybe I can concentrate better on studying :/

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Life as a Maze

dedicated to jl:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Please don't lead me further in,
Only to make me trapped deeper,
If nothing's going to happen.
:/

2009-07-11T14:12:00.002+08:00

Thank you:)

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'M EIGHTEEN NOW :/

dedicated to everyone:

Well, since common tests are over, and today's my grand eighteen birthday, it's time for some reflections. I can't believe I've been around for eighteen years already. Everything seems so short and so blurry. Everything seems to have just passed this way. Well, life has it's own ups and downs and I'm sure I've gotten pretty much of everything by now. I've made my mistakes, plenty of mistakes, and learnt from them, and hoping not to repeat them again.

Well, a lot of people had helped me become who I am today, and though I'm not great and all, I'd just say at least I've already had the courage to deal with my own conscience, deal with myself. So here goes a big thank you to all those. Well, for preschool, I can't remember much of it, but thank you aunty lily, cecelia jiejie, kaiyan korkor and lots of random others like larry, david, for all the playing around, and possibly the purest, biggest joy in my life. Then to primary school, the period which I'll never forget, especially 3A to 601. :D When sokhui messaged me today and asked if I forgot her, I so wanted to tell her I never will. You were one of my first best friend and always will be! (: So yes, primary school, to all those in 3A to 601 THANK YOU SO MUCH for making it the best part of my childhood. I still remember the times we got into trouble for playing ball, got into trouble for the "bullying" case, and skipping classes, and angering zhang lao shi until she left. LOL. Those were the times. So to the 3 special ones: Sokhui, huiyan, and xianling, THANK YOU. :D Well, obviously there are the rest, especially the scrabble gang. (: Then to secondary school, well...201 and ITMC were my life. Thank you seniors for showing me so much more about humanity, and letting me what the standards of true friendship and all are. Thank you so much priscilla stead for always always being there for me and always telling me everything that bothers you. And finally, thank you 201 for everything! Jasmine, adelaine, liwen, cecilina, josie, liwen, stephanie, cheri, andrea...and all the others, THANK YOU. And well, obviously, there's aaron that I can't miss out too, cause he's my friend in both ITMC and 201, like Jasmine(: Then there's student's council and careforce, for moulding my life as well, especially those few in council. You guys know who you are. Then I had to leave. I swear that's the worst part about going to ip - leaving your secondary school. But you can't have the best of everything right! IP was fun as well, especially osvot. THANK YOU EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU alright! ANDREA, jillian, rhoda, priscilla, stephanie, perle, caitlin, cynthia, yinhong, ahmad, thomas, kenny, kevin, keith, junhan, and the partial shengchow. Thank you you people! And yes, on to JC, whom I shall not list, because there's just too much. Thank you 17th CT Council (and 16th and 18th as well), and VJ harmoc, and obviously, 08s33 for everything! (: And before I end, there's the church, that saw me grow since I was one. Thank you to especially Elijah and the Youth Zone, and also, my shifu, Hocksoon. AND OH, how can I forget wushu as well. That's a really big thank you for the shixiongs and shijies ;D And really finally, THANK YOU MY FAMILY for always being there! THANK YOU! :D

Okay, now to the birthday part. Well, my class threw me a surprise yesterday at suntec. We were supposed to be celebrating the end of common tests, but suddenly a cake appeared and I totally didn't realised it was fine. I was like..."whose birthday is that", and then yeah. We went to play at Carrefour and the sky garden thereafter (: And we stayed till really late, and it was really fun. Thank you guys! Really, words can't express my gratitude! Thanks. Then well...I reached home and slept at around 2am, and then...the next thing I know is...my class appeared in front of me again. LOL. I really have no idea how they did it. But really really thank you, especially to jillian (the planner who didn't turn up =P), joanne, leanne, zhiyang and nicholas! And well, the rest as well who went yesterday, shermaine, hidhir, olivia, joel, reema, fathiyah, chongwai, alvin :D So my class came, and we went to eat at Swensens again. LOL. But Swensens's breakfast was really not bad (: So after all the spectacular travelling from the east to the west (I still can't believe you all found my house!), I came back and subsequently went out with lcy to chinese garden. And it rained! And we saw the monitor lizard, and turtles and pond skaters? Quite cool. It was quite a nice place in general, to think I never ever went there, after staying there for so long. Then dinner! Ate and walked around Imm. Yep. That's it for now. I'll blog the rest and the subsequent outings to come alright.

Once again, a big thank you for all the well-wishes and gifts. :D THANK YOU! (:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Well, today made me learn a lot of things.And to that special you, I'm sorry for all I've done.You might not have been a good friend to him,But well...you were true to me.I'm sorry :/
And to the other you, the time will come.

2009-07-05T22:34:00.003+08:00

Well...If there's one thing I learnt today,

It's that I should STOP THE CRAP

And focus on more important things.

Because it wouldn't work out at all.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dreams

dedicated to jl:

When I was young, my mum told me to dream.

To dream of what I want to become,

To dream of what I will become.

When I grew slightly older, my teacher told me to dream.

To dream of possible advancements to help,

To dream of ways in which we can help.

When I grew even older, my friends told me to dream.

To dream of the scores you want in the end,

To dream of the perfect guy you meet in the end.

But when I grow up till now, I learn.

I learn that dreams would remain as dreams,

And no amount of dreaming would help better reality.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I know I should let go.
But hey, I just can't.
Maybe one day I will.When I sit down and talk to you.But I wonder when that day will be.
Or why don't you just leave me a note?To ask me to move forward,And stop hallucinating.

2009-07-03T18:13:00.003+08:00

I wish I can escape.

To somewhere far away.

And never come back.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Neverland

dedicated to me:

2009-06-28T05:38:00.002+08:00

It's 5am now.

I can't believe I'm awake at this stupid hour

When I can just sleep like nobody's business.

I'm so going to miss this when school reopens.

But anyway, I just can't sleep.

I've come to terms with myself that there's a lot of things about myself that I can't face.

And there's so many things that no one understands.

I hope these would all end one day.

Before I get a lot a lot of problems with sleeping.

But I think my brain still hasn't come to terms with reality.

I feel so incongruent the whole day.

Let's hope things recover after a while

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

That Dream

dedicated to jl:

The two hands grabbed at each other tightly

For fear that once gone, everything falls instantly.

They lay on the bare ground, in opposing direction

Seemingly echoing their lives premonition.

Blood flows from their injured heart

Mingled, integrated, like how they dug.

They never had a chance to tell each other

How much each other really mattered.

Till the last breathing moment, they were separated

One whispered "I love you" but wasn't heard.

However, with the tightening of the grasping hands

Both knew deep down that they are connected then.

She never knew he looked into her eyes

And he never knew she looked into his eyes.

And both hung on to their ideals not to disturb

To grant the other their blessings, their eternal love.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I think this is how it will all end up.Just that I don't know if he really bothers.I don't really know what I want.But I've made enough mistakes to last a lifetime.
Just learn to let go.

2009-06-25T12:39:00.002+08:00

Now...time to blog.

After I told so many thousand people I would.

But really sorry if anything here doesn't make sense cause I'm still in a daze.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine

dedicated to PASTEUR (my group), the 7 other Singaporeans & all those who asked:

So to begin...I'm back (after millions of hours of plane ride)! The trip was okay, like how I told everyone. I can't absolutely say I loved it, cause I have to admit I did hated it at certain points in time. But seriously, overall, it was great. There's really no where else you can do so many things related to Medicine. It might not be an experience I'll try again, but it certainly isn't an experience that I would like to miss. So yes juniors, go for it if you can next year. (:

Hmm let's see. The first few days of the trip was really hard to get by, to be honest. And I'm not the only one who feels that day apparently. Yes, there's the Singaporeans who felt discriminated cause no one understood them or cause they can't talk, but I'm mainly fine with those cause I'm understood and I'm fine with not talking. But even the Americans felt it was hard to get by. I don't know why. I guess it's just the adapting phase. We went late on the first day, cause of the long dreary plane ride (and I've decided that I officially have planenophobia now) so in the end, I didn't even know who who was and what was going on in my group, so that's mainly why I decided not to talk, coupled with the fact that I'm usually already very quiet in big groups. So for the first few days of the trip, I really really survived on awaiting smses. So thank you, you, whom I've thanked so many thousand times it's getting repetitive if I do it again.

Actually, one thing I learnt (the hard way probably) is that Americans are really different from Singaporeans. For one, they talk a lot more. They are much more vocal than Singaporeans, just that...amazingly, I don't have the SHUT UP feeling, cause I think they are much more organised and respectful and they take turns to talk. Well, there's obviously an issue with the f words and all, but ah wells, I get over it. Glen was absolutely having so much joy in spamming f words -.- Ah wells. Another thing about Americans is...they click really fast. Unlike us, they are all the only ones from their schools, but really, they get along really fast, and they just talk and talk about anything. It's a really different culture I think. And then, there's the dance. Which is.....I don't know what to say. But really, Glen and Joel're damn perv and Alvin's totally different. LOL. I think Kevin was still the most decent, though Celeste is probably right then Kevin thinks about them, he just doesn't do it, but still...he's decent. Ah wells.

Now for the medical part. That's the real cool part, at least I think so. Yesterday while I was unpacking, I looked at my Med Journal and thought...this's the most precious. Really, I learnt a lot there. For one, I can still remember this quote from Dr Christian Heywood: "The best thing about being a doctor is that you've the opportunity to meet someone at the worst day of their lives, and make it better". That really made me reconsider my choice in Medicine. Cause prior to that I was still hesitant. And the live surgery is just a turn off. I watched a few live surgeries by the way, and I was like...I absolutely can't imagine holding a knife and all, but I can suture quite well I think. Still...I'm NOT going to be a surgeon. I've to go find out if I can finish Med School without ever entering the surgical room. I mean...I can take watching the surgery. But I just can't imagine myself doing it. And we learnt a lot more, like how to do the Cranial Nerve Examination and a lot about different diseases. I think those were the coolest parts. Then there was the public health simulation where I was part of the Federal Government. Then I realised, why the government likes to say "we would not like to comment on that" LOL. Everything everything really has to be kept secret due to ramifications and all. I would really not like that kind of job. Ah wells.

What else. There's really so much in my head I can't put them down in words. Oh, how can I miss the cruise! We had a dinner dance on the cruise for the last night. VJC should really do that and I would go for SDD. It was perfect fun. By then, I was okay with my group. So I kind of shuffled myself between my group and the group of Singaporeans. Just that I mainly stuck with the Singaporeans when the dance started cause I didn't want to dance. But the cruise was really nice and we took lots of photo. And before I end, I should just thank my group for really really trying to integrate me in. It was fun with you guys. I was just introverted. (: I didn't cry though. On the last day. It isn't that I don't care. But I'm really too hard for these. Even Glen said so. He asked me whether I was sad, and before I said anything he just went "Oh ya, you went through it too many times". Oh wells. It's just like that. Come to think about it, I'm really feeling it right now. I miss my group. Ah wells. I should really end it here cause I don't feel like blogging anymore. But I guess NYLF was fun. And thank you to the Singaporeans as well(: Love everyone! (:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now I've to mug soon.
I still wonder whose idea it was to postpone CTs.But no, here I'm going to be different,After complaining so much about people complaining,I'm not going to complain.I'll just study and take CTs as they come.

2009-06-09T20:09:00.003+08:00

Well...

Harmoc chalet was fun I guess.

Better than what I'd have expected.

Thank you to the other 11 people!

As well as the J1 excos and J2s for making it such fun! (:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Harmonica & CT Council

dedicated to you two groups:

Well...with this chalet, everything seems to have really come to an end - CT Council and Harmonica alike. A hectic one and a half year has passed (with my planner constantly being filled with ink) and all the rushing off and around really seemed to have paid off when you look back at hindsight, and you can truly tell yourself that "it is all worthwhile". True enough, I might not ever choose to take the same path again and tire myself completely, stretching myself up down left right, but I must say that this journey had really made me learnt a lot, and I've really grown to be a better person from it. And of course, the journey had its own merits of bringing fun, joy and laughter in my seemingly dull academic life, though obviously, with fun, there is sadness too. But hey, what's life without emotions. Now that everything has come to an end, maybe it's time to sit down and reflect on all that has passed, all the events planned, performances participated in, practices, competitions before settling down like the rest to have an endless pursuit for excellence in my A levels.

In council, lots have passed, I dare say. Anyone in council who hasn't had their eyes blindfolded would have the same sentiments as me I guess. We have indeed braved through a lot - all the public conflicts and inside animosity, and of course, all the energy, commitment and efficiency as well. All through the year of the 17th, I'm proud to be a 17th, especially when we carry out events or help out in events and we just seem so efficient and everything seem to painless with the energy, the jokes and the laughter. Well, there certainly were times when things cropped up, but I really would have no regrets joining the 17th, and the 17th exco. I remember the days when I didn't dare to run for exco, and martin psychoed me into it, till the days we have thrash-out sessions as an exco, all trying to improve and learn. Sure, we did have more conflicts than necessary, but that's really what made all the friendships stronger, isn't it? I don't know if we had done out part well, in the eyes of everyone, but deep down, I know we did try our best to deliver the best we could have for the council. So thank you the 17th exco, as well as the high-energisers of the 17th, the quiet workers of the 17th, the committed members of the 17th, the efficient ones of the 17th, and all and all of the 17th for bringing me through these. If it hasn't been council, I wouldn't have enjoyed (and dreaded) school that much, and I wouldn't have learnt that much as well. And by learning, I don't mean just the skills of organising, logistics, secretarial work...I mean really qualities like honesty, integrity, cooperativeness and all through the term. I mean it, and I mean it right from my heart, thank you 17ths! I love you all! (:

As for harmoc, I have to say it's a completely different experience as council. Really, it's different when you're in a CCA as a member and in another as an exco. You learn the ropes of everything differently. I guess for me, harmoc was more of relaxing and recreational. Though there were indeed times of stress - when we were nearing SYF and performances and we feel thoroughly unprepared and are called back down to practise everyday. But it really paid off well. Through these everyday practices, I made a lot more friends than I had before, with special mention to Section 3 and Les Amis. Without whom, my life in harmoc would have been dull and pointless, and restricted to me and my harmonica alone. These people really injected life into the sessions as we complain together about the difficulty or mundane pieces, as we complain about our work and the never-ending practices, as we complain about our timing and movements...and obviously, as we laugh at each others' jokes, as we crack jokes and played quizzes, as we tried to multitask during practices, as we ate and have group outings, and everything everything. We played and learned and thrived. SYF results were certainly disappointing but I think we have all gotten over it already, and we do believe we deserve better, but what's set is set, and I'm truly happy that we've put up a great performance during Resonance. It was with pride that I said thank you to everyone who had told me that our performance was great or better than previous years. And now, when everything has come to an end, I suddenly miss it a lot. And maybe life would really be better with one day of CCA a week to chill out. Maybe one day amidst the busy preparations for A levels, I would pick up my harmonica and play all the jazz or symphony or waltz just for the fun of it. Thank you everyone who had made this journey worthwhile! I love VJCHarmonica and I love Les Amis and Section 3! (:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now that all these have come to an end,It seems like time to disregard life and mug.5As here I come.

2009-06-05T18:12:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to do with my family anymore.

I mean...I would hate it if it was me and I live so hard, worked so hard,

And end up being hated.

I don't know what to feel.

Why is it that I can sympathise with the Duchess of Malfi yet I can't seem to apply it to myself?

Why is it that I can't stand him increasingly more and more.

Why?!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Family

dedicated to the world out there:

Father

And

Mother

Love

You

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Does this still hold in a grown-up world?I need someone to talk to.Who's the someone.

2009-05-31T11:48:00.004+08:00

I just want to say

THANK YOU

to VJC Harmoc for making my life so much more bearable (:

I admit that I haven't been the best member,

But harmoc was really fun with the friends around.

Maybe it's just different when you have less stress around.

But both have it's pros and cons yeah.

And really, (I think you all expect this)

THANKS LES AMIS for WALTZ FOR THE MOON!

(though they probably don't know this blog exists)

I really really had a lot of fun with you all around!

Bobby's naggi-ness (and commitment and making sure B doesn't go wrong. HAHA.),

Chun Yin being my fellow westerner (and stealing my bear, and making jokes),

Shyan Ann (aka SLACKER)'s suanning me least amongst the guys (and being so helpful in all),

Li Yun's blurness with her constant HUH (and her proness),

Dong Ying's weird sense of humour together with Li Yun (and her proness too!)

Clarice's highness (and her nobody nobody but you! LOL),

And finally, Sinchi's helpfulness, friendship all these 1 and a half years!

Good job Les Amis!

I LOVE YOU GUYS! (:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Eyes on Me (Nearest song to Waltz)

dedicated to Les Amis!:

When ever sang my songs, 

On the stage, on my own 

When ever said my words, 

Wishing they would be heard 

I saw you smiling at me, 

Was it real, or just my fantasy? 

You'd always be there in the corner, 

Of this tiny little bar...  

My last night here for you, 

Same old songs, just once more 

My last night here with you? 

Maybe yes, maybe no 

I kind of liked it your way, 

How you shyly placed your eyes on me 

Oh, did you ever know? 

That I had mine on you...  

Darling, so there you are, 

With that look on your face, 

As if you're never hurt, 

As if you're never down 

Shall I be the one for you 

Who pinches you softly, but sure, 

If frown is shown then 

I will know that you are no dreamer  

So let me come to you, 

Close as I want to be, 

Close enough for me 

To feel your heart beating fast, 

And stay there as I whisper, 

How I loved your peaceful eyes on me 

Did you ever know? 

That I had mine on you...  

Darling, so share with me 

Your love if you have enough, 

Your tears if you're holding back, 

Or pain if that's what it is 

How can I let you know 

I'm more than the dress and the voice, 

Just reach me out then 

You will know that you're not dreaming  

Darling, so there you are, 

With that look on your face, 

As if you're never hurt, 

As if you're never down 

Shall I be the one for you 

Who pinches you softly, but sure, 

If frown is shown then  

I'll know you're no dreamer...

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hopefully, we're more than just memories! (:
P.S. Thank you all for coming, and your support and flowers and gifts and screams.I'll try to list but don't mind me if I missed out anyone:Yinhong, stephanie, rhoda, priscilla, andrea, kevin, keith, kenny, reema, joanne, chongwai, zhiyang, yiling, changhong, martin, yujun, yueqi, jiejie and mummy.And thank you celeste for the well-wishes as well.
THANK YOU ALL.I really had the most wonderful concert in my life! (:

2009-05-22T12:04:00.005+08:00

I really think it's easier to like someone in secret

As opposed to being in a relationship.

I don't know how long I can like you,

And I just think the length will spiral downwards

If we get closer and closer.

I don't know.

I don't have the confidence to give my all.

And I'm hesitant.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Peace

dedicated to jl:

2009-05-19T19:41:00.002+08:00

I think almost everyone has been or is disillusioned with life.

Yet we allow ourselves to continue being deluded,

Having this tiny bit of us that hope that fairytales come true.

Perhaps it's just a fight to let us have a meaning to life.

Perhaps it's just to let us feel better.

Perhaps.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Prayer

dedicated to God:

Dear God

In life, everyone seeks to better themselves.

They scurry and hurry to get what they deem good.

People chase after titles and monetary possessions

When they know deep down that it doesn't really matter.

Perhaps that's just their way of adding meaning to life.

I want to have a meaningful life, oh Lord,

And I want the meaning to lie in you.

But I don't want heaven to just be another aim of life.

We do good because we think that's what glorifies and pleases your eye.

But I want to do good for the spirit of goodness,

And not for the rewards thereafter, be it on Heaven or Earth.

So I pray to you, oh Lord,

To give me a heart that models after you, a heart of Gold.

Dear Lord, I seek you and I want to hold you deep down in my heart.

I want to turn to you everyday.

I want to believe in you.

For I know that nothing comes without God.

So Lord, I pray for you to shift my focus

Back to what is right, and internally right.

Let me turn back to you and model after you

Even when the going gets tough.

In Jesus's name, Amen.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

We know studying is pointless, we do.We know titles are pointless, we do.But we just so happen live in this corrupted world.
Please, my friends, don't get corrupted by the corrupted world.
I believe in innate goodness.And through my quiet time today, Lord promises to be there for anyone who needs him.So just knock and seek, and you'll find.I think I'm going for that Mongolia trip.A levels are nothing.I need to get my focus right.

2009-05-12T18:14:00.000+08:00

I think too many things have passed these weeks.

I'm missing church real bad.

I'm missing CT Council a lot too

(Life without a golden badge feels weird).

And lastly, I'm missing my secondary school life A LOT.

Nanhua was really great.

ITMC and Council and 201 and my uncles ROCKS.

Sigh.

Is it true that we only appreciate things after we have lost them?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

25 Minutes by Michael Learns to Rock

dedicated to you:

After some time I've finally made up my mind

she is the girl and I really want to make her mine

I'm searching everywhere to find her again

to tell her I love her

and I'm sorry 'bout the things I've done

I find her standing in front of the church

the only place in town where I didn't search

She looks so happy in her weddingdress

but she's crying while she's saying this

Chorus:

Boy I've missed your kisses all the time but this is

twentyfive minutes too late

Though you travelled so far boy I'm sorry your are

twentyfive minutes too late

Against the wind I'm going home again

wishing me back to the time when we were more than friends

But still I see her in front of the church

the only place in town where I didn't search

She looked so happy in her weddingdress

but she cryed while she was saying this

Chorus:

Boy I've missed your kisses all the time but this is

twentyfive minutes too late

Though you travelled so far boy I'm sorry your are

twentyfive minutes too late

Out in the streets

places where hungry hearts have nothing to eat

inside my head

still I can hear the words she said

Chorus:

Boy I've missed your kisses all the time but this is

twentyfive minutes too late

Though you travelled so far boy I'm sorry your are

twentyfive minutes too late

I can still hear her say...

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I know it's too late.But you just can't stop me/blame me.
At least I'm not interrupting you alright!I'm proud of it(:
Have fun.And all the best for your broken heart.And maybe mine too.

2009-04-26T19:54:00.005+08:00

My hand was throbbing too badly for me to not blog.

I shall just put what I want to blog in the body of this post.

It's an exception.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

St James Church's Memories

dedicated to all of you, my churchmates!:

Well, today was a particularly emotionally-high day, for me at least. I can't speak for certain people who acted like they don't give a damn. But it's the last service we are going to hold in SJCCC's homeground and well, memories just run, and emotions go high. Something someone said just ring in my mind till now: "I think eventually it's not the building that matters, it's the memories here". That's exactly it. I think that now...with the building gone, and the realism gone...the memories would just reside as memories. But yes, at least we still have memories. Those times when we were in Sunday School, those times when we grew up and started poking fun at our Sunday School teachers, those times when we reluctantly left Sunday School to be promoted to Youth Zone, those times when we totally hated the guys for invading our privacy, those times when we had camps and retreats, those complicating times, those sad and happy times, those times at the PA booth, those times...those times...well, we'll have to see what happens from now.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I love you.But I can't tell you, can I?
I really never imagined this happening.For so long, still.

2009-04-07T20:05:00.008+08:00

I wanted to blog about "mirrors"

But I'm in slightly too good a mood now to do that.So too bad. Another day perhaps.
On another random note,I really really wish that may, june, december comes soon. =/____________________________________________________________________________________________________

You Only Live Once

dedicated to me:

The girl in the picture is Katie Kirkpatrick, she is 21 . Next to her, her fiancé, Nick, 23. The picture was taken shortly before their wedding ceremony, held on January 11, 2005 in the US. Katie has terminal cancer and spend hours a day receiving medication. In the picture, Nick is waiting for her on one of the many sessions of chemo to end.

In spite of all the pain, organ failures, and morphine shots, Katie is going along with her wedding and took care of every detail. The dress had to be adjusted a few times due to her constant weight loss.

An unusual accessory at the party was the oxygen tube that katie used throughout the ceremony and reception as well. The other couple in the picture are Nick's parents. Excited to see their son marrying his high school sweetheart.

At the reception, katie had to take a few rests. The pain did not allow her to stand for long periods.

Katie died five days after her wedding day. Watching a woman so ill and weak getting married and with a smile on her face makes us think. Happiness is reachable, no matter how long it lasts.

We should stop making our lives complicated.
Life is short

Break the rules
Forgive quickly
Kiss passionately, love truly
Laugh constantly
And never stop smiling
No matter how strange life is
Life is not always the party we expected to be
But as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Well, maybe I should do something soon.There's enough signs already I think.Sigh =/
Do I have to?
Add on:I just read our conversations over at the other blog.I feel like a bitch.I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.I don't want to go into these you know.

2009-04-06T11:11:00.002+08:00

Okay, I know I shouldn't be doing thisWhile others are mugging away in school.But I'm really dying of fatigue.And I'm going to school for harmoc later.SO DON'T COMPLAIN.I seem to go school only for CCAs anyway =/____________________________________________________________________________________________________

You're Loved (Don't Give Up) by Josh Groban

dedicated to yueqi:

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Haha result of the emo session yesterday.We must do well together this saturday okay!(:

2009-03-29T20:49:00.002+08:00

Okay, time for some random poem I wrote during Math lecture.And Joanne, I do talk to people about it I guess,Just that no one really understands,Except for a few.But it's normal. Who can really understand what others feel.
And in response to your other question.I think I know I'm busying myself so much.Cause I need something other than schoolTo make my meaningless school life more meaningful.Ah well.It's just the atmosphere in school I guess.____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Disintegration

dedicated to Joanne:

Her eyes teared in emptiness, resentment

Her sanity became the principal reason for her bitterness

Sounds drifted past her ears and colours blurred her eyes

No amount of action could revive the excitement within her mind

She closed her eyes, trying to recall her name

But there was only the work, the lecture, the pressure, the fame

She feels her being gradually disintegrating

Her eyes, her ears, her mind just refuse to be cooperating

She remembered he position, her title, her school

But people, relationships seem to become her tools

She searched her mind for her love, her passion

And all that appeared were her friends' interests, her parents' expectations

She tried to connect with her inner being

She attempted praying to the supreme beings

No answer, no answer, no answer

She strained, she tried but there was still no answers

Then, her sanity or insanity brought her the key

The key to freedom, to feel, to love, to glee

She picked up the knife and the revolver

Deciding which would be the instrument that could be her life's transformer.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, thank you Joanne for being thereWhen I needed you(:

2009-03-16T17:38:00.003+08:00

Haha I typed something and then I stopped.After reading blogs, I finally get what I really wanted to blog.____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Stars

dedicated to jl:

Sometimes I look up the sky

When no one else is looking

The nightsky so bright, so high.

Sometimes I stare into the oceans

And I can't help wondering

How the waves can toss, can turn.

Sometimes I glance across the field

Seeing a miniature figure playing

With such joy, such will.

Other times I peep into your eyes

And I can't help seeing

The hatred, the tears and the guise.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Well, common test is over.And I'm really quite afraid now.That when A levels are over, I'll be lost.Completely lost.
So far, books have been my refuge.I seek it to block everything else out.
What if they don't exist anymore?I'm afraid my life will become purposeless(You can't imagine hearing this from me right.Ha. That's what JC life does to someone.I need to find myself back.The "heck studies" attitude.Sigh.)I'm afraid I can't control my emotionsI have been holding back for so longI don't want it to burst all at once.I need to remember.
FriendsFriendsFriends

2009-03-12T17:47:00.002+08:00

Okay, bear with this.I know I shouldn't be blogging now,Considering there's CTs and all,But I really cannot help it.
I'm sorry to those that I've disappointed.And I'm sorry to those who really really put in a lot to help.I don't know what I'm supposed to feel.
I mean...I really didn't expect to win at all.Till you know...Everyone starts telling you you will.Sigh.
Nevermind.
I'm sorry to have talked to you.I know I shouldn't.I know I promised to stay away from you,And just bless from afar.But I really don't know who else to turn to.Just friday and sunday alone...It kept me happy.The happiness I have not felt in a long time.I don't know.I thank you.And I shall keep by my promise soon.
Why do I always have to make so much mistakes in my life?If only, I didn't take that step,We wouldn't be in the way we are now.If only. If only.____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Good Luck

dedicated to jd:

I murmured.

"Good luck".
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm too tired to think.I shall go and mug chemistry soon.Before I fail everything =/

2009-02-17T19:48:00.002+08:00

I realised I haven't blogged in ages.Just goes to show how bloody busy I am =/NAV, CT Nominations, Harmoc SYF, School...I really think that I'm like a rubber band stretched to its limit already.I'm trying very hard to pull back, and maintain the sanity.But sigh.
Anyway, on another note, I realised that he might not know this blog afterall.So maybe one day I'll post up the truth.Depends on time, availability and of course, mood.Haha.____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Mad Girl's Love Song by Slyvia Plath

dedicated to jl:

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I know this might sound insane to you,But it does makes certain amount of sense to me.Maybe because I'm really on the verge of breaking.But whatever. Haha.

2008-12-25T23:55:00.003+08:00

Okay, before Christmas is over,MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
Okay, Christmas this year hasn't been super good,Because of some reasons meant to be kept secret,But it's not that bad either.Thanks to everyone who made it great!=D
And anthony! Narnia wasn't that bad. Haha.The two days of service plus Narnia was a wow.I feel like I've been once again been brought closer to God.Yep, so this post is dedicated to him.Others, I'll write another day.Since today's Jesus's birthday! =D____________________________________________________________________________________________________

往事只能回味 by You Ya

dedicated to God:

时光一逝永不回
往事只能回味
忆童年时竹马青梅
两小无猜日夜相随
春风又吹红了花蕊
你已经也添了新岁
你就要变心像时光难倒回
我只有在梦里想依偎
(music)
时光一逝永不回
往事只能回味
忆童年时竹马青梅
两小无猜日夜相随
春风又吹红了花蕊
你已经也添了新岁
你就要变心像时光难倒回
我只有在梦里想依偎
(music)
春风又吹红了花蕊
你已经也添了新岁
你就要变心像时光难倒回
我只有在梦里想依偎
(end)
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

This might not sound very logical to you,But the testimony yesterday was real cool.
Innocence beats it all,All the same thing wouldn't happen twice.God wouldn't die on the cross again for our salvation.Yet once you believe, God will help.He will move the waters, change the clouds...He will tide you through.Just because others don't believe,It doesn't constitute as an excuse to stop youFrom finding God, from finding the true one.
I'm sure God exists.And I'm sure he can lead us through.So long as we believe.Yet we can't make him lead us through,He has his own way, his own plans,We can ask, and if we ask together,He will grant it for us,So long as we ask in the right mindset.
God, help me, help us! =DMerry Christmas to you!

2008-12-23T10:26:00.003+08:00

I don't know why I was able to sit myself down to read it, finally.Maybe I've trained to get this peace in my heart already.Or maybe I've just trained to let go.Maybe I didn't even try to let go.Maybes.Those were the past.The promises, the lies.I don't want to dwell into them anymore.I don't even feel like thinking about it.But the situation is clear.And I'm glad things have been better these days.We could just be friends.____________________________________________________________________________________________________

City of Bones

dedicated to you-who-hate-me:
(acknowledgement given to the person whom I took this from)

"Where there is feeling that is not requited," said Hodge, "there is an imbalance of power. It is an imbalance that is easy to exploit, but it is not a wise course. Where there is love, there is often also hate. They can exist side by side."

"Simon doesn't hate me."

"He might grow to, over time, if he felt you were using him." Hodge held up a hand. "I know you do not intend to, and in some cases necessity trumps nicety of feeling. But the situation has put me in mind of another. Do you still have that photograph I gave you?"

Clary shook her head. "Not on me. It's back in my room. I could go get it---"

"No." Hodge stroked Hugo's ebony feathers. "When your mother was young, she had a best friend, just as you have Simon. They were as close as siblings. In fact, they were often mistaken for brother and sister. As they grew older, it became clear to everyone around them that he was in love with her, but she never saw it. She always called him 'friend'."

Clary stared at Hodge. "Do you mean Luke?"

"Yes," said Hodge. "Lucian always thought he and Jocelyn would be together. When she met and loved Valentine, he could not bear it. After they were married, he left the Circle, disappeared---and let us all think that he was dead."

"He never said---never even hinted at anything like that," Clary said. "All these years, he could have asked her---"

"He knew what the answer would be," said Hodge, looking past her toward the rain-spattered skylight. "Lucian was never the sort of man who would have deluded himself. No, he contented himself with being near her---assuming, perhaps, that over time her feelings might change."

"But if he loved her, why did he tell those men that he didn't care what happened to her? Why did he refuse to let them tell him where she was?"

"As I said before, where there is love, there is also hatred," said Hodge. "She hurt him badly all those years ago. She turned her back on him. And yet he has played her faithful lapdog ever since, never remonstrating, never accusing, never confronting her with his feelings. Perhaps he saw an opportunity to turn the tables. To hurt her as he'd been hurt."

"Luke wouldn't do that." But Clary was remembering his icy tone as he told her not to ask him for favors. She saw the hard look in his eyes as he faced Valentine's men. That wasn't the Luke she'd known, the Luke she'd grown up with. That Luke would never have wanted to punish her mother for not loving him enough or in the right way. "But she did love him," Clary said, speaking aloud without realizing it. "It just wasn't the same way he loved her. Isn't that enough?"
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Let the story tell the story.

2008-12-19T11:21:00.002+08:00

Back from church chalet! =DOr rather, back in the lab after church chalet(:Ponned lab yesterday, but yeah.I'll make up for it, promise. =P Well, it was okay I guess.Not wonderful, but not as bad as I'd have imagined.Rather prominent thing was...slept rather early.Especially for the last two days.Maybe it's cause I've nothing to do,
Maybe it's cause I'm just tired,Maybe it's cause someone isn't there,But yes, I shall not dwell into that. Temptations go away.Character stay.I'm doing it.____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Breeze

dedicated to yujun (for bringing me there) and james (stop laughing at my poem!):

The sands, the stones and the seashore,
The waves, the water and the waterfall,
The night hangs loose in the merciless skies,
The sun's shine hides behind the ominous drops.

The water refuses the nutrients,
The sand discards the life,
The stones ignore the colour,
The waves forgot the shore,

The sea is left alone,
The shore is left barren,
Such vastness and bareness
Is embraced by The Other.

The Other lets out a cry,
The Other spreads out its wings,
The Other though crying,
Is smiling deep within,

For the sea is its homeland,
And the bareness is its friend.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________
I think I'm beginning to master the art of letting go.Though in the hard way, I'm trying.

2008-12-16T14:55:00.002+08:00

Stop dreaming, stop.You know he is far far away.You can't even say "i want you to go".Stop it.Wake up.He could tell you liked him.He would have been able to tell you like him too.He just refuses to admit it.And you can't blame him for it.____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Obvious

dedicated to you:

[Shane:]
Yeah, ooooh...
We started as friends
But something happened inside me
Now I'm reading into everything
But there's no sign you hear the lightning, baby

You don't ever notice me turning on my charm
Or wonder why I'm always where you are

[Shane (Westlife):]
I've made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
(I've crushed on you so long, but on and on you get me wrong)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

[Bryan (Westlife):]
I've heard you talk about
(Heard you talk about)
How you want someone just like me (Bryan echo: just like me)
But everytime I ask you out
(Time I ask you out)
We never move pass friendly, no no

And you don't ever notice how I stare when we're alone
Or wonder why I keep you on the phone

[Shane (Westlife):]
I've made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
(I've crushed on you so long but on and on you get me wrong)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song
Yeah...

[Mark:]
You are my very first thought in the morning

[Shane:]
And my last at nightfall

[Mark:]
You are the love that came without warning

[Mark & Shane:]
I need you, I want you to know

[Shane (Westlife):]
I've made it obvious
So finally I'll sing it
(I've crushed on you so long)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

[Westlife:]
And sing it until the day you're holding me
I've wanted you so long but on and on you get me wrong
I more then adore you but since you never seem to see

[Shane:]
But you never seem to see
I'll say it in this love song

____________________________________________________________________________________________________
On another note, I'm sorry to the other you.

2008-12-14T19:21:00.002+08:00

Well, I was angry, for the NAV stuffs,But I shall not elaborate, because I know the person meant well.Then I was angry, for the badminton net,But now I think it's stupid to be angry at a non-living object.During dinner, I was happy, for the upcoming chalet.But then suddenly when it dawned upon me...I felt...sad.____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Rewriting History

dedicated to you:

Sometimes I wish I could rewrite history,
But what's past has passed and became a story.
Winners are always the ones writing the history,
While losers are given a place in the puppetry.

But I'm so willing to place the crown on you,
For you're the only one that makes my heart still.
For you, the first and last place is sealed,
There's no one that'll change my will.

Years has passed and I'm still waiting,
I just don't know what's with the hating.
I know the mistakes I've made is hurting,
But there's this process called repenting.

You've came and you've left.
But I'll still be here waiting.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Go, will you?
I know that nothing will happen between us ever again.
But can't we just be friends?
Go, will you?
It's the last.
Sigh.
Once again, I'm sorry.

2008-12-01T13:51:00.002+08:00

Okay, I didn't want to blog at first.I really thought of focusing on NAV.But nowadays things seem simpler.I can do those things that he asks me to in seconds.So now I get time off. =P Okay, so on to the topic.I couldn't stand not blogging after reading H***'s blog. So I'm going to blog nowSomething that I wanted to blog 2 days back. Call me a bitch or whatever you want.You know I don't care.But this is just how I feel.____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Love
*note that the love in this passage refers to the boy-girl relational love.

dedicated to you, yueqi and h***:

The Bible says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Though those words are meaningful and definitive of love (the self-sacrificial love that Jesus had demonstrated on the cross), sometimes I do admit that I do not know what love is. Or actually, most of the time. Most people define love as just a feeling, a chemistry. It seems like the want to see the person, be with the person, stay by the person. But is that all? What if the feeling fades? What if at some point in time you do not think about seeing the person, does it mean you don't love anymore? It is indeed usual for someone to want to see another person (or in fact, people), for we do not live in solitude. We need people around. When you are depressed, you hope to get to your best friend, cry your heart out and seek comfort. Does it mean you love that person (especially if you have a best friend of an opposite gender)? When you are happy, you hope to see the person who helped you succeed, share the joy, and laugh together. Does it signify you love that person as well? When you haven't seen someone for a long time, you hope and wish that the person would appear in front of you. Does it consitute as love as well? If that's all that counts, I can say I love a lot of people.

Others, more profound, defines love as a desire to wish the person well. To them, love is about staying by the person no matter what happens, supporting the person, and genuinely hoping that the person is well and happy. That seems great, but in fact, is simple to fulfil as well. It does not really need to be that special someone. Ask yourself, have you rack your brains to help someone get out of trouble, wishing that the person is well? Ask yourself, have you ever poured out some emapthy or sympathy to a disabled person, hoping that you would have the abilities to make their lives better? We all have been taught to love, to help others. I could easily name up to ten people that I'm willing to die for, so long as they are well. Does it mean I love ten people at one go now? Those are friends, great friends.

Then there are others. Those that feel like loving someone means allowing your emotions to run wild and get controlled by the person. Those define love as crying for someone, laughing with someone, feeling confused over someone. But it occurs. It always does. If a close friend of yours passed away, would you not cry? Would it not stir up memories? If a close friend of yours suddenly ignore you, would you not feel upset and confused and frustrated? If a close friend of yours went to great miles just to give you a surprise, would you not laugh, even if it's deep in your heart? Does it mean love?

There's always this fine line between relational love, and other forms of love. We have been taught to love all our life, and maybe that's why people get confused all the while. I can love a beggar one the street, I can love a movie star, I can love my relatives, I can love a friend, I can love my siblings. I can love. But what really defines that special someone?

To me, it's the I-vow-to-never-leave-the-person factor. I admit, that I've been floating around these years, trying to figure out what love is. Now, I think I get it. Real love consitutes perseverance. Others don't matter. It's more than just chemistry. It's more than just helping the person. It's much much more. It's the willingness to hold steadfast in the relationship. It's perseverance. One day, when the feeling fades, does it mean you do not love anymore? No. If you persevere, you try to find the chemistry back. One day, when you hate the person, do not feel like doing anymore for that person, is tired of helping that person, do you stop? No. You try to overcome your human nature, and continue on. That's all about it. Perseverance. No matter you started the spark due to love at first sight, or due to close relations, you persevere. No matter what happens, so long as the words "I love you" comes out, you hold on to it, and never take it back. That's love. It's not easy, if you think about it. Try loving someone you hate, and you know what it means. Imagine the person you love now got together with you. If ten or twenty years down the road, she did something absolutely wrong and something you absolutely hate, would you be able to go up to her and say "I forgive you", would you be able to continue hoping all is well for her? That's love.

And because of that I say now, if I ever tell someone else I love you in that manner, rest assure I will hold on to the three words dearly. I would never take it back. And here I say, so long as I say that three words again, the word "breakup" will disappear from my dictionary. No matter if you make me your scapegoat, if you hurt me once or twice, if you get together with other people, if you backstab me, I'll forgive you, and I'll never breakup with you. Well, if you want it, I know I'll let you. For that's love as well. I'll let you go, though I can promise that I'll still love you, forever. That's going to be how I define love from now on. The never-dying love. No matter what circumstances, I will love. Yes, that's it.

And that also means that I would never say that three words easily anymore. My mouth is shut tight, till I can be sure that I can hold on to that three words forever. For five years you've given, I will give you ten, fifteen, fifty...if I can be certain that I'll say that three words to you.

2008-11-27T10:37:00.004+08:00

I know I shouldn't bother you.After your depression...acceptance..renewal.It's just like how I wish he doesn't ever walk into my life anymore.
But...

Okay, I get it.I wouldn't bother you.It has been that long anyway right.Secrets are meant to be kept as secrets.We'll let it continue.
I'll give you my blessing.I'll give him my blessing.I'll give everyone my blessing.Maybe except myself.

I have thought about it for so bloody long.
Being with me aren't exactly the best thing in life.
I thought of using ten years to wait for you,
Repaying you for your five years wait.
But maybe she's better for you afterall.

Just like how she's better for him.

I don't want the both of you to go,
But I know I don't have a choice.
You two have your own happiness to go for,
So I give you all my blessings.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

安静 by Jay Chou

dedicated to him, and most importantly you:

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天
睡着的大提琴安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道你没有舍不得

你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我也只是曾经
希望他是真的比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开

你要我说多难堪我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多我会一直好好过

你已经远远离开我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你是因为我太爱你

安静了 by S.H.E
夢想中屬於我們的婚禮
卻成了單人結婚進行曲
在這場愛情角力的拔河裡
愛我還是愛你你選擇了自己

撒嬌的可愛的黏人的愛哭的照片裡曾經的都是你喜歡的
如今我還在原地你卻走回你的記憶

你說我愛你太多就快要把你淹沒
你害怕幸福短暫一秒就崩落
分開是一種解脫讓你好好的想過
我想要的那片天空你是不是能夠給我

你說我給你太多卻不能給我什麼
分不清激情承諾永恆或迷惑
愛情是一道傷口我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔是因為我太愛你

只剩下鋼琴陪我站在這裡
夢想中屬於我們的婚禮安靜了在我枕邊的夢裡
我知道相愛原本就不容易
愛不是1加1 努力就有結局

撒嬌的可愛的黏人的愛哭的照片裡曾經的都是愛著你的
臉頰的淚還溫熱卻沒有人握我的手

你說我愛你太多就快要把你淹沒
你害怕幸福短暫一秒就崩落
分開是一種解脫讓你好好的想過
我想要的那片天空你是不是能夠給我

你說我給你太多卻不能給我什麼
分不清激情承諾永恆或迷惑
愛情是一道傷口我們各自苦痛
沉默是我最後溫柔是因為我太愛你

____________________________________________________________________________________________________
I was wondering if Jay Chou felt the same way as I did when I heard the songs.Then I realised Selina wrote the second song.Ah well.But seriously, it's different form of silence for me now.The agony of being alone, silent.And now, the joy of being peaceful, silent.

I guess I'm coming to accept it.Unless you stop me now.Which I bet you wouldn't anyway.So yes.

2008-11-25T17:06:00.002+08:00

It's fun not thinking of you.Today, I could so clearly feel my heart throb.The throb that I shunned.It has so far only throbbed for three people.But I guess I wouldn't let it throb anymore.Peace.Yes I know that I've promised to be more optimistic.So that's that.Now on to the more optimistic lyrical.Which I thought of yesterday, while I was so frustrated with my laptop.But I changed it today, cause my programme worked!Or is working.It's now ongoing my quality control. =P____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a H3NAV student
(inspiration from clifford)

dedicated to leanne kenny debby ahmad yann ying & others (who would so understand how I feel):

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I've to be burning away my holiday in lab,
While others are complaining they have nothing to do at home.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I've to read tons and tons of papers,
While others are reading novels and blogs.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I'm getting paid NIL for my work here,
While others who bother to do something gets thousands.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I need to worry about Harmonica and CT Council,
While others can just practise their harmonica and do CT stuffs without worrying.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I need to sleep at around 1 everyday cause of my log book,
While others wake up at ungodly hours from their beautiful sleep.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I do not have the rest that students are duly offered (for two years),
While others seem to have more than enough rest.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I have to understand what dsDNA, Mitelman, UCSC are,
While the other biology students in my class only knows promoters and enhancers.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I've to give up going for OCIP and hospital attachments,
While others are vying for them.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I've to put everything that is essential on Saturdays and Sundays,
While others can do things essential to them anytime.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I feel like banging my laptop cause it's fooling me,
While others are stuck to their laptop while surfing the net.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I need to know UNIX, Perl, C++, and all the other codes,
While others might not even know html.

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I only get to study about DNA and aberrations,
While others get to prepare for their A levels
(which I so don't have time next year to prepare for).

Because I'm a H3NAV student,
I don't feel happy half the time (except during lunch),
While others are probably partying like rockstars.

But because I'm a H3NAV student,
I feel happy the other half the time,
While others feel shit rotting at home.

That's cause, because I'm a H3NAV student,
I feel the satisfaction when the program I wrote finally decided to work,
I feel the honour when I finally finished reading my papers,
I feel the excitement when I write the last few pages of my log book and report,
I feel the supermity for finishing my H3 this year while others have to struggle next year...

So because I'm a H3NAV student,
I'm feeling the ups and downs all the time,
And I'm so gonna get over the downs and finish this! =D

2008-11-20T21:42:00.004+08:00

I think today has been a rather good day so far.=D
I've decided to be more optimistic these days.Influence by quite a lot of sources.I'm pretty sure things would work out one day.One fine day. (:

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Let the Sea Wash Away Our Memories by Laurie

dedicated to jl:

2008-11-20T01:16:00.004+08:00

Okay, as I've promised,This is the last post before I proclaim to be moving on.
I scrolled through that blog.That forbidden blog.
And now I'm using what you used on me,Back on you.
Love-Hate Relationship

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Don't Give Hate a Chance by Jamiroquai

dedicated to jl:

Why can't we be (together)?
Can't you love me, don't hate me
I don't see (why can't we live together)
Maybe we could get it on (maybe we could get along)
Should be our destiny
There's a cold streak living (inside us)
There's no rainbows... just bullets and bombs
If you want to rise up
We can make this hate stop
Now don't you want to rise up

[Chorus:]
We've been giving hate a chance
(We've got all this love to give, you know)
And the love will be running out for us
Can you feel the dreams of life
We're hoping we can still survive
As the wind carries every dove away

So why do we see (these colours)
It's only skin deep, don't mean a thing
So clear (underneath this we're all brothers)
Can't you see it's killing us
(Can't you see it's killing us)
Can't you see it's killing me
Trigger happy fantasy
So stand up and be (so strong now)
Freedom is not so far away
If you know you want to rise up
We can make this hate stop
Now don't you want to rise up

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
(The wind carries every dove away, The wind carries every dove away, every dove away)
Dove, dove, dove, dove, dove, dove, dove

Now you've been taking our dignity for too long
I want to save this sanctity that we hold
And who's right and who's wrong
We're not so different anyway
Words are in this song
Can't we stop the fighting?

[Chorus/Outro]
Coz we've been giving hate a chance
Don't give this hate a chance
We've got all this love to give, you know
And the love will be running out for us (we’ve got all this love to give)
(and that the love’s still alive, survive)
Can you feel the dreams of life
We're hoping we can still survive
As the wind carries every dove away
Don't give this hate a chance (can’t we stop the dove away)
We've got all this love to give, you know
That this dream's alive, will still survive (can’t we stop the dove away)
Until no more people have to cry
Don't give this hate a chance (can’t we stop the dove away)
We've got all this love to give (that’s the wind carries every dove away)
That this dream's alive, we’ll still survive
And the love will be running out for us
Until no more people have to cry
Don't give this hate a chance
We've got all this love to give, you know
That this dream's alive, we’ll still survive
Until no more people have to cry

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I don't quite like the sounds of the song,

But yeah the lyrics seem meaningful.

I'm gonna smile and say hi the next time I see you three.

And now, I'm not gonna bother about love/like/hate/whatever.

I'm gonna say that I'll move on.

And sharontan, you better stop being an ass and keep to it.

Stop being a sissy and waver here and there.

Just keep to it and move on.

I promise to let go.

And the first step will be to let this blog be known.

Much as I don't want you all to know it.

Remember this: Just be happy.

With whoever you are with now.

Don't read on, cause I don't think you'll be happy that way.

Smile and live your life.

I'll smile and say hi when our lives meet.

Maybe occasionally, you can smile and say hi too?

In another note, thank you zhiyang, yet again.

2008-11-19T18:34:00.003+08:00

I realised I haven't blogged in ages.So yes, I'm stuck at biopolis everyday now.BUT I'm actually free and BORED everyday, every moment of the day.
Summary of what I've done over the weeks:50% of the time my mentor disappears;30% of the time my mentor is occupied by others;25% of the time my mentor has meetings to attend;4.5% of the time my mentor is overseas;0.4% of the time I'm working;AND SO...0.1% of the time I get to see my mentor.
And the remaining 95.5% of the time I stone.And hope that a net appears and I can catch him.So that's how I've been spending my life physically.
Well, the psychological part...I shan't delve into it.But I'm dreaming a little too much than I ought to be.About you, you and you.Sigh.
Is being friends that hard?Let's be enemies then?Let me hate you?Let you hate me?Sigh.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

At the Beginning by Anastacia

dedicated to you:

We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope you were there to remind me
This is the start

(chorus)
And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there whenthe storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

(chorus)

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
I know that my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

(chorus)

In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Yes, I know you all think it isn't a nice song.

Don't give a damn. LOL.

And okay celeste, I'll go change into cbox when i'm free. =D

THANKS FOR THAT DAY! =D

Add on:

What zhiyang just told me caused me to ponder a little.

Well, you were right in showing me that you moved on.

You did told me you'd wait, but...

I kinda broke the promise together with you, didn't I?

I try to fulfill the promise now by still waiting.

But aren't I foolish?

I've already broken it, and it can't be mended.

I don't know.

I don't even know if my heart is still there.

Or am I there just for the sake of the promise?

And who cares about the promise?

I know you don't.

Your moving on just amplifies it.

All along, I'm sad you didn't keep to it,

But maybe you already forgot it.

Then why bother?

Maybe I should let go too.

And proclaim to you that I've let go.

Maybe then we can be proper friends.

But is it just that simple as "Oh. I've moved on."

Is it just words?

I hope you'll never find this blog.

Never ever.

Him too.

There's just too much that I can't tell you two.

I just want to be friends, you know.

2008-11-04T13:25:00.004+08:00

and while I walkalong the coastand stare upon the stars,I think of you.
Emotional.Why is he going?I don't understand.I miss you.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Card

dedicated to you:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I thought a lot when I was folding those hearts.

No idea. Don't want to think anymore.

But I'm pretty certain I can't be with you.

You know...He said I should at least tell you the truth,

And give you a chance.

But the truth hurts doesn't it?

I don't know.

I don't want to think anymore.

2008-11-01T22:21:00.003+08:00

HAHA. Blogging makes me realised that I haven't done NAV!LOL.
But anyway, I skipped training today ):By accident, I swear!I was sad for so darn long then something made me happy.Stars.Yet again(:
I suddenly found back the...passion..for my project.It's a happy project.Yeah. I must remember that. (:
We live for a purpose.

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Stars by GNOME Art

dedicated to star-lovers:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I know it's not that nice, but still..it's just me.

And on a random note, I did wanted to post the lyrics of JIJIE up.

Just that I kinda forgot the lyrics and I can't find it.

So too bad.

I think...

(and what I think should remain secrets.)

But thanks still(:

My love for wushu rekindled.

Or maybe it never did ceased.